By Ashley Toland Editor

To listen to some of the Mobile City Council members of late, one might conclude the city had abandoned WeMo like one of Jodi Brooks’ secret, safe newborns.

First there was the near loss of the construction of the Wilford Brimley West Mobile Regional Senior Therapeutic Wellness Center for Crocheting, Cataracts and Square Dancing or whatever it was they finally decided to name the Hillcrest and Girby Road facility, which almost didn’t get approved because of funding issues.

And then last week, there were more cries of west side neglect. More specifically, District Six not being included in a capital budget addressing drainage projects.

In both cases, a couple of WeMo councilors alleged the administration always seems to favor the east side of I-65.

The whipped topping and cherry on these arguments were the threats of how these actions were divisive and would be remembered by the folks of the much sought after western sector when it comes time to vote on annexation again.

Never forget. The Sectorians are always watching. Muhahahahahaha!

OK, so who else is tired of this always being held over our heads?

It’s sort of like when you’re a kid and your mom dangles a trip to Disney World in front of you for a year. Oh, you don’t want to take a bath tonight, do you Ashley? Well, it’s a mighty good thing Prince Charming’s already got a girlfriend, but I guess it doesn’t matter since you probably won’t get to see him anyway. That Cinderella probably doesn’t talk back to her fairy godmother either.

You know what happens to little girls who don’t eat all of their supper, don’t you, Ashley? But Mom, I don’t like venison. Well, I guess it’s a good thing you won’t get to tell Bambi that in person, is it? Probably hurt her feelings. Mom, Bambi’s a boy. Yes, a good boy whose mom would have taken him to Disney World if he hadn’t talked back to her.

Or if she hadn’t gotten shot by hunters, Mommie Dearest, but whatever. I digress.

Finally, the extortion beats you down so much, you just say, “Look woman, tell Mickey and Donald I said hi. You go. I’ll just be here living in sloth and not eating woodland creatures.”

And that’s kind of how I have felt about WeMo and its councilors, and the western sector lately. Stop extorting me! Either become part of the city or don’t. I can’t take it any longer! Your little threats don’t work on me anymore.

I wandered around happily in this quiet defiance for a couple of days, but then fate (or really boredom) took me away from the comforts of my EMo home in the OGD, far away from my precious oak trees and charming, historic neighborhoods, out to this WeMo, a place I had not been in quite some time.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was like seeing the Magic Kingdom for the first time. It’s all big and shiny and new and big and shiny and did I say big?

In fact, I think we should forget all this silly historic preservation and downtown revitalization and all move out to WeMo.

Don’t cry to me about the beauty of MiMo, OGD or LoDa and how you will never leave, until you consider the advantages of living in WeMo.

1. Grocery Stores: No more shopping at the Crack Dixie (AKA Scary Dixie, Ghetto Dixie) on Government and Catherine. All of their Winn Dixies are giant and new and clean. And they have Bruno’s and Super Wal-Mart and Target and the Holy Grail of swank grocery stores, The Fresh Market. EMos, there could be Bibb lettuce on your tables every night.

2. Restaurants. Most of the city’s most fabulous chain restaurants, including Red Lobster and Golden Corral, are all located in WeMo. And everybody knows chain restaurants are much better than local ones. Duh, silly. They wouldn’t build exact replicas of the same restaurants all over the country and cook up the same frozen foods if they weren’t good.

3. Mega-God Complexes. Jesus intake is also super-sized in the WeMo, which will certainly guarantee us bigger, better pads in heaven. Take your pick: Six Flags over Jesus (Dauphin Way Baptist), Government Street Baptist (Government Boulevard and I-10), Christ United Methodist, Cottage Hill Baptist. And out in the sector there’s some large sprawl, I think it’s a Baptist church made entirely out of tin or aluminum or something – it’s got a blue roof. And some of these even have TV shows on Sunday mornings, which clearly makes them better churches than any in EMo.

4. Neighborhoods. The new homes in the sector, many on Schillinger, are like everything else out there, huge! They have classy names and even classier entranceways – one looks like you are entering into a tropical paradise (or goofy golf course.) Sure, you may only get to choose from a few different floor plans, and you may end up with a house that looks exactly like your neighbor down the street’s. But you’ll never again have to embarrassingly ask, “where’s your bathroom” at the neighborhood Christmas party.

5. Beautiful Boxes for Everything. You will never have to drive far to find anything ever again. There are those beautiful giant box stores for everything – drugs, groceries, home improvement warehouses, discount chains and there’s even a giant hobby store. And thankfully, most of the trees were mowed down, so there’s plenty of parking on the giant lots in front of the stores.

People, it’s a no-brainer. WeMo here I come! I hope it’s all-you-can-eat Steak and Shrimp at the Golden Corral tonight! Ewww-dawgy! That’ll be some good eatin’!

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives