By Ashley Toland Editor

Editor’s Note: There was a giant gerbil at city council last Tuesday. Seriously. (See picture.) He was there to promote B&B Pet Stop’s hamster and gerbil races, which took place May 6 and benefited Mobile County public schools. Communication was a bit difficult at first, but once I brought in Richard Gere to translate, the gerbil was quite candid about his civic adventure.

The following is a transcript of our interview:

AT: So, Mr. Gerbil, what did you think of the meeting?

Gerbil: EEK EEK E EEKIN’ EEK, U EEKIN’ EEK.

Richard Gere: He says he’s not a freakin’ gerbil, you freakin’ (expletive).

AT: Jesus Christ, Richard. Sorry. What is he then? A rat?

Richard Gere (stroking the rodent’s head and glaring at me): Um, clearly he’s a hamster.

(Gere turns to the hamster and whispers in a baby talk, “you’re a big, handsome hamster man. Don’t listen to her.”)

AT: Clearly, I’m not an expert on rodents in the way you are, Richard. So I guess you know how to um, “communicate” with hamsters as well.

Richard Gere: Oh yeah. Gerbils. Hamsters. Mice. The occasional ferret. I find them all very stimulating….conversationalists.

AT: Yeah, OK. Well, Mr. Hamster, what did you think of the meeting?

Hamster: Eeek eeked e eee eekin’ eekin eeek! Although, eek eek eek eek. But eeeee eeek. And eekety ekeety eeekuty! EEEEEEEEK!

RG: He said he thought it was an excellent example of democracy at work. Although, he thought it was a bit boring at times. But he said that William Carroll is one sexy beast and looking at him made the whole thing bearable. RRRRRROOOOWWW!

AT: Well besides William, did you find anything else at all interesting?

Hamster: EEEK EEEK EEEK EEK.

Richard Gere: He said he thought Fred Richardson was a cute little firecracker because he sort of went off on the president of historic development board, Jaime Betbeze. Apparently, poor Betbeze was just trying to tell about the board’s progress and Fred just went off on some sudden tangent.

AT: He said all of that in four ‘eeks?’

Richard Gere: Yes, well, hamsters speak a very complex language, with many subtle nuances. It took me years to master it. I could teach you a few phrases though, if you would like.

AT: No thanks, Richard. I can only imagine the phrases you would teach me. Anyway, Hamster is right. Fred was a little rough on the guy. He was mad that Bishop State Community College, Stone Street Baptist Church and some other historic sites that are especially significant to the black community had not been recognized yet. He punctuated his remarks in his usual “Showboat Richardson” fashion by saying, “If Davy Crockett had spent a night in the Stone Street Baptist Church, we’d have a historic marker bigger than….”

Richard Gere (interrupts): Oh I love Davy Crockett and his coonskin cap with that little bushy tail hanging down his back. You know gerbils have beautiful full tails, much like raccoons. The raccoons are just so big though. Have you ever seen one?

AT: Um, yeah I’ve seen a raccoon before, Richard. But I think Fred was just using Davy as an example of how places get markers when famous crackers were known to have visited them. Anyway, Betbeze, along with Marilyn Culpepper, the director of the Historic Mobile Preservation Society, assured him they were working on these projects, which made Fred happy.

Hamster: Eeek. Eeeek. Eeek. Eeekity Eeek Eeek.

AT: What he’d say?

Richard Gere: He said he thought Marilyn Culpepper was a fox, with her red hair. (Gere pauses for a moment and looks away as if he was daydreaming). You know I love a fox, too. They’re such gorgeous little creatures. They have beautiful, full tails as well. If only they were just a little smaller, I’d….

AT (interrupts): Alright, Richard. That’s enough. Mr. Hamster, what did you think of Devereaux Bemis, the director of the historic development’s comment that churches and schools (in this particular case St. Mary’s) are ‘the most destructive institutions to a neighborhood?’

Hamster: EEEEK EEEEKIN EEKKY EEEK

Richard Gere: He said while he thought Devereaux was just trying to say schools and churches destroy the character of a neighborhood by constructing seas of parking lots, it was a dumbereaux thing to say and even more dumbereaux thing to put in an e-mail.

AT: That little hamster really seems to be very up on what’s going on in the city. Speaking of city affairs and since he races to benefit Mobile County schools, what does he think about school board president David Thomas’ impeachment?

(The hamster whispered something in Gere’s ear.)

Richard Gere: Really?

AT: What?

Richard Gere: Oh nothing.

AT: What? Tell me.

Richard Gere: He said he’s very fond of David Thomas for his own personal reasons and that’s all he has to say about that. He thinks he’s a wonderful, wonderful man.

AT: Alrighty then. I think I’m done here. It’s been nice talking to you guys.

Hamster: EEEK EEK EEEK EEEK.

Richard Gere: He said thanks and to make sure and tell William and Marilyn if they want to hang out with him some time to give him a call.

AT: Yeah, I don’t think that’ll happen, but I’ll pass that along. I’m sure they will be flattered.

Hamster: Eek Eek, Ashley!

AT: You’re welcome.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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