Mobile Magnified

It’s starting to get hot out there, my peeps, and people are starting to take off all their clothes. Some who should and some whose naked bodies should never, ever, ever, ever see the light of day.

I’m just sayin’ if the summer continues on and finishes up like it kicked off, then expect an oh-so-steamy next couple of months, my friends. I can’t wait!

Memorializin’

You just gotta love Memorial Day! Bikinis, Booze and Bad Behavior! Just a few of my favorite things! I had spies working hard, I mean, hardly working down in Destin and Orange Beach, and they were happy to report a few of the things they witnessed or were a part of…

Putting the Crab in Crab Island

It’s hard to name a place in the world as beautiful as Destin, Fla. With its emerald green water and sugar white sand, it is no wonder that hordes of folks flocked there to Memoralize last weekend.

One of the Destin-ation’s main attractions is Crab Island, a shallow sandbar under the Destin Bridge, where hundreds of people anchor their boats, pontoons, kayaks, wave-runners and such. After finding the perfect spot for the various marine vessels, everyone strolls around the not-more-than-waist-deep water to witness a variety of activities: bands playing, kids frolicking, dogs floating around on rafts, people dancing on their boats and, of course, hoochies doing what hoochies do best.

On Sunday, May 28, two obviously professional hoochies decided to provide the crowd assembled under a restaurant-booze barge, with a little soft-core daytime porn. As the mob cheered the girls on and threw beads at them, they stripped and flashed just about everything they had. When that got old, they decided to spice things up a bit by rubbing on each other in true Cinemax fashion.

The crowd and I thank you, sweet, sweet precious hoochies!

Boobs abound at ‘Bama

My Orange Beach spy tells me the Flora-Bama was the place to be Memorial Day Monday, although we think they may have gotten a little fancier since rebuilding after Ivan, as our spy and her two friends were denied access from the beach in to the legendary stateline bar because they didn’t have on any shoes. Yes, you heard right. The Flora-Bama has a shoe policy!

What happened to the days where a bikini bottom and a couple of well-placed seashells ( or Miller High Life bottle tops) would get you in? And apparently, there was a nerdy security guard walking around making sure everyone kept their shoes on, which is probably a good idea considering the amount of infection that is still probably on that floor, even after Ivan, but really?

Anyway, after finding the appropriate footwear, our lovely spy, along with her husband and another guy friend made their way inside to enjoy the musical stylings of Runaway Coal Train.

We’re not sure if it was the new shoes our lady spy was sporting or her warm summer glow, but she caught the attention of a rather large drunken woman, sporting a yellow tank top and what the spy referred to as a “mannish haircut with frosted tips.”

At first, things were innocent, as Big Yellow Tank just kept smiling at her. But after some drinks, BYT got the courage to say to Lovely Spy, “Hey I wanna take you home with me.” Lovely spy, trying to be nice, just smiled and turned around to see her husband and his friend enjoying the show. As she shot her man a dirty look, she felt a tongue on the back of her neck. Yes, it was Big Yellow Tank.

Grossed out but determined to see the band, our intrepid spy danced on. BYT must have taken this as a sign, because she went in again. This time she walked up to LS and pulled up her big yellow tank top, and down her big bathing suit top and said, “Look at these!”

LS did look at them and could report they were big, sagging sacks severely challenged by gravity. She said obviously her girls needed air because she “let them breathe” for about two minutes.

Nice to know that even though you may have to wear shoes at the ‘Bama now, some things never change.

Graffiti bandit

Seems we have a local graffiti artist in town trying to make his political views known. Some of you may have noticed the railroad trestle on Old Shell Road, just east of Sage, has a very realistic portrayal of “W” sporting a dunce cap. And just in case you weren’t sure it was a dunce cap, the artist wrote “dunce” on it. God Bless America!

Myers return

Just when local bartenderesses and waitresses thought it was safe to go back to work, we hear former Register reporter Steve Myers is heading back to Mobtown for a stint, as he received some fancy-schmancy Hurricane Katrina fellowship.

Wait a minute. Didn’t I report on the extravagant going away party his friends gave him just a few short months ago, right here in Boozie Beer Nues? Hmmm. I’m pretty sure I did. Well you know what they say about Mobile being a black hole that sucks you back in. Although this isn’t a permanent re-re-location, we still welcome Myers back with open bar stools. And look forward to his next fancy going away party.

Boo’s winners

I’ve heard the boys representing Boo Radley’s won their Thursday night Sage field softball league. I only mention this because Lagniappe’s Rob Holbert is on the team and is holding my paycheck until this issue comes out. The Boo’s boys completed another good season and bested a few other bar-sponsored teams, giving Boo’s owner Andy Newton bragging rights over the owners of The Garage and Callaghan’s.

I guess it’s nice these fading old men can win one more game before they fall completely apart.

New author

Watt Key, owner of Jackson, Key and Associates Web hosting/Web design firm has been busy penning a book that will be released Sept. 5 of this year. The name of Key’s all-ages tome is “Alabama Moon,” and it will be published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux of New York. Until it comes out, you can read an excerpt at Amazon.com.

Key will also be doing a reading at the Mobile Public Library soon. We wish him great luck in the publishing world.

Well, that’s it for this issue, my little gossip-hungry babies. Just remember whether rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous or just some plain ol’ Big Yellow Tank lovin’, I will be there. Ciao.

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

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