By Dixie Holbert

Managing rat terrier

I’m probably going to come off as a jerk by saying this, but Mayor Sam Jones engaged in the worst kind of pandering when he sent Spencer the pit bull off to live in Utah last week.

Most of you would probably expect me to be shedding tears of joy now that it looks like Spencer will be able to spend his days hunting children in Utah and enjoying the pleasures of polygamy. But If I’m shedding, it’s hair baby, and it’s just because it’s hot as hell out there right now! I’m happy for Spencer, but this is just a feel-good show that doesn’t really mean a thing.

If you’ve missed the story, Spencer is a pit bull who was found wandering around Midtown Mobile a few weeks ago, half-starved and dragging a chain. Spencer was slated to be “put down” (feel-good people talk for “murdered”) according to city policy if his owner didn’t claim him within a week. That policy is in place because a lot of jerks like to torture pit bulls and turn them into raging “a-holes” so they’ll compete in illegal dog fights. The other side of all this is that these PBs become aggressive toward everyone, which is why you hear so much about them mauling children.

Like most cities, Mobile won’t let stray pit bulls be adopted because they may either be used for dog fights, or might – due to an unknown checkered past – possibly turn out to eat their adoptive family’s children. And even an old dog like me knows that’s bad for the city’s liability insurance.

But Spencer lucked out. Some people – including a radio show host – got in a twist about him being juiced, mostly because he was cute. They claimed “breedism” was behind all this and one lady even sued for the right to adopt Spencer. There were petitions from all over the country for Mayor Jones to “pardon” Spencer, and all other kinds of nonsense. In the end, the politically savvy mayor came to Spencer’s rescue and got him shipped out to Best Friends Animal Society in Utah, where he’s supposed to roam for the rest of his life.

So it all worked out for Spencer and the people who wanted to save his life. Heck, it even worked out for the mayor. He got to look compassionate and tough at the same time. But after everything’s said and done, none of this really means anything. The next pit bull who doesn’t have a rockin’ bod and Paul Newman eyes is still going to get the nappy-time shot. (By the way, Spencer, if you’re reading this, give me a call before you leave town. I’d like to “interview” you about this situation for another article. Did I mention I’m fixed?)

I’m sure the ladies who went door-to-door to get petitions signed and filed suit to keep Spencer from getting the needle, had their hearts in the right place, but all they know is ol’ Spence was cute. So was Ted Bundy! Who knows, his name might not have even been Spencer. That “collar” with the name on it might have been a belt owned by a little boy he ate the day before.

Now a lot of my fellow dogs and you out-of-control animal lovers out there probably think I’m the canine equivalent of Ann Coulter, saying outrageous things to make a splash, but there are a few things wrong with that comparison. Number one, I’m 10 times hotter in a black dress than Ann Coulter ever will be and my breath isn’t nearly as rancid as hers, especially after my recent tartar removal. Ha!

True, Spencer and other pit bulls are victims of profiling, but as long as there are bad dogs, there’s going to be breed profiling. For instance, breedists might say Basset Hounds smell like Cheetos, Rat Terriers are smart and German Shepherds are anti-Semitic. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule, but by and large it’s true.

By the same token, we all know pit bulls like the taste of small children and old ladies, even if they’re in Utah. And they are the breed of choice among idiots who like dog fighting. Those simple facts mean unless Sam Jones can work a deal with that Best Friends place, there are still going to be roughly 60 PBs a year juiced at the Mobile pound. That’s not to mention more than a thousand other non-baby-eaters who also get killed each year. Last year, it was more than 1,300. What a Holocaust! Remind me to always wear my collar when I break out to terrorize the neighbors’ cats!

I know it’s easy to get all jazzed up when you look at Spencer’s poor doggie face. I gotta give Spence his props, he had the hangdog expression down pat. But Mayor Jones has really put himself in a box now. He didn’t change the city policy, but he set a precedent for breaking it. I wonder how long it will be before another poster-pit comes along and people start clamoring for his release? What’s Sammy going to say then? “Oh, alright, we’ll save just one more, but I’m killing the next one myself!”

Mayor Jones just emboldened the “Save Spencer” coalition and deserves to hear from them again. Unless he wants to be in the full-time dog placement business, next time he’d better urge them to adopt a nice pickapoo or a friendly Yorkie and forget about the bad boys. They’ll only break their hearts or chew their faces off.

Dixie Holbert is a 9-year-old rat terrier who really does have better breath than Ann Coulter. E-mail her at her owner’s address, rholbert@lagniappemobile.com

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