By Ashley Toland Editor

Troubled Bridge Over Water

A Rock Opera/ Dramatic Interpretation of the June 12 council meeting

By Ashley Toland

Performed by: The Mobile City Council and Lipscomb Landing Players

Basic Synopsis: The drama among the councilors arose over a closed bridge in Ben Brooks’ district, connecting the Lipscomb Landing neighborhood (basically a peninsula cut off by train tracks and water) to Riviere du Chien Road. The bridge was originally part of the now defunct Linksman Golf Course, designed primarily for golf cart use, but approved for heavier traffic in case of emergency.

The peninsula people had been using the bridge as an alternate and convenient escape route if there was a train blocking their normal exit. Ben argued it was a life or death situation and the council and administration all concurred it needed repair; they just couldn’t agree on where the money should come from to fix it.

The city is expected to have a hefty surplus in next year’s budget from Katrina-related tax revenue, and the mayor plans to give each district $500,000 to use on capital projects. So the administration decided to go ahead and fix the bridge by advancing Ben’s $500K allocation. Though “troubled” by this and knowing he would have no capital money left to use in the fall, Ben agreed to it, and the project was set to go, pending council approval. But then, the mayor allocated $600,000 in funds out of citywide capital surplus money to repair the Springhill Recreation Center (in District Two, William Carroll’s district), which meant William wouldn’t have to use his district allocation.

Ben felt this wasn’t fair, but the city contended the rec center is used by all the citizens of Mobile, while the bridge was district specific. Ben offered an amendment to fund the bridge in the same way as the rec center. Though he had the support of Connie Hudson and Reggie Copeland, it failed. So they unanimously voted to fund it using Ben’s district allocation.

Act I, i: Troubled Bridge Over Water

Government Plaza auditorium is completely dark. Suddenly a spotlight comes on and Ben Brooks is standing alone on the stage with a visual aid tucked gently under his arm, staring aimlessly into the darkness, looking a bit melancholy. Slowly, residents of Lipscomb’s Landing appear from behind the curtain and circle around him. Then two of the bigger men pick Ben up, hoisting him into a horizontal position, making him look like a human bridge. Then they turn him on his side, so he is facing the audience, but still in bridge position. He begins to sing”Troubled Bridge over Water,” a slight variation of Paul Simon’s hit.

When you’re weary, feeling small/When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;

I’m on your side. When trains get in the way/ And another way out just can’t be found,

Like a troubled bridge over water/ I will lay me down.

Then they will gently lay him down on the stage and the lights will fade, as the curtain closes.

Act I,ii: Come on ride the train, the Crazy Train

The scene is an interpretation of the appearance of two of our favorite regular council meeting attendees and “concerned citizens,” who I like to call “Mrs. Bittersworth” and “Pandora.” The duo will enter from stage right, forming a dancing train, with Bittersworth acting as the engine and Pandora as the caboose. They will be singing a version of Ozzy Osbourne’s, “Crazy Train.”

We’ve listened to the councilmen/ Most of whom are fools

Ive heard all of their excuses and watched them make their own rules

They are all driving us even more insane

We’re going off the rails on a Crazy Train

They will take their “Crazy Train” to a replica of the lectern used by folks who address the council and each perform a monologue based on what they actually said at the Tuesday meeting, which was as follows:

Pandora (nonsensical): Azalea City Golf Course. Ceiling tiles. Antique athletes. (????)

Bittersworth: “What if a woman was in labor? Or what if someone was having a heart attack? Or if someone had a kidney stone. Kidney stones hurt.”

Yes, Bittersworth. Yes, they do.

Act II,i: The Greatest Love of All

This scene stars council jock and newcomer William Carroll and the kids of the Springhill recreation center, with a special guest appearance by songstress/crackheadstress Whitney Houston. On Tuesday, William made his case on why the recreation center deserved the funding it was receiving. He wrapped up his speech by reminding us to “remember, the children are our future.”

William: Take it away, Whitney.

Whitney: What, Bobby? What are you talking about? Where’s my rock.

William: I’m not Bobby. You’re supposed to be singing “The Greatest Love of All,” crackhead!

Whitney: I don’t do crack. Crack is whack.

I believe the children are our future/ keep them out of your drugs and let them lead the way

I can’t remember the rest of the words, Bobby.

William: I’m not Bobby, woman. Nevermind.

Act III,i: The Road to Baloney

This scene finds Fred “Showboat” Richardson yelling at the residents of Lipscomb Landing about developer Tom Carwie. Carwie is building a subdivision near the bridge, and he agreed to donate $90,000 to the bridge project. Fred suggested the only reason the city had already paved a nearby road which seemingly had no destination was because Mr. Carwie had made this offer. And the only reason the bridge was being discussed now was to fill Carwie’s pockets, not because it was a life or death situation.

FR (to the residents): You think Mr. Carwie’s heart is so lovin’ and kind, he’s just going to help you out. No!

The he turns to Brooks and begins to sing, along with the Talking Heads “We built a Road to Nowhere.”

Brooks fires back to Fred, “that is utter rubbish;”“political rhetoric in the worst sense” and “absolute baloney.”

Brooks grabs Fred by the neck, pushes him against the wall and operatically sings.”My baloney has a first name (and last initial), it’s F-R-E-D-R!”

Finale

The last two scenes flash forward to the fall. The first one shows William Carroll celebrating at his new recreation center, wearing a “Daddy Warbucks” suit. The final scene features the Lipscomb Landing residents partying and celebrating atop their new bridge, while a bedraggled and homeless looking Ben Brooks stands under it, tin cup in hand, begging for money for other capital projects in his district.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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