By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

The U.S. soccer team has done it again and lost in the first round of the World Cup. They lost to the Czech Republic, a country with 1/30th the population of the United States.

The next match is versus Italy and I hope we can win. And if we can, I hope we can find some hidden clause in the Marshall Plan that forbids former Axis powers from beating us in any sporting event. Even if that European reconstruction doctrine did guarantee us a win, there probably would only be about 50 people in the U.S. watching us win the forfeited game versus the Roman Legion.

In a related story a new survey shows “watching soccer on television is not popular in the U.S.” Thank God a survey was conducted to tell me that. Don’t tell me it is because we don’t give soccer a chance to grow in the U.S. If you drive by any green space on a weekday afternoon or a Saturday morning, there is some sort of soccer match in progress.

There is soccer in parks and also throughout middle and high school, and there are plentiful programs for ball kicking at a collegiate level, so why can’t this country seem to field a team that can get us past the first World Cup round.

I know four years ago we won a couple of matches in World Cup play, but it has been a little slow in the win column since then. The reason Americans aren’t into soccer can’t be completely heaped on the win ratio of the U.S. team. The Kansas City Royals seem to put butts in the seats for all their home games and winning isn’t a big priority for that team. There must be another reason American sports fans can name more Roller Derby players than soccer players.

It’s not like soccer isn’t getting the support of sports media. The eternal frat-boys over at ESPN have been hyping the World Cup for weeks and are really going through the motions like soccer news and stats are important to most of their viewers. I believe more Americans are concerned if Roethlisberger’s jaw will heal by September so he can throw a football this season than any of the World Cup action from Deutschland.

I like the free market to decide which sports make it. The same forces that made sure the XFL was quickly exorcised from our collective consciousness and that cause hockey games to have the attendance numbers of high school talent shows make sure only the best sports products survive. Many pundits of the checkerboard ball will say that because football (soccer) is so popular in Europe, it should do well in the U.S. Hey pundits, the Euro and symbolic dynasties are alive and well in Europe and I don’t see Americans falling over ourselves to jump on those bandwagons.

Sure it is not just Europe, soccer is popular around the world. Of course it is, and big deal, so is masturbation. It’s because there’s not a lot of extra equipment needed for people to enjoy either of those pastimes. I think most of you know how the latter works, but for you uninformed readers, it takes nothing but a ball and a dozen or so other street urchins to play the game of football.

In lieu of a ball, a coconut, a distended sheep’s bladder or the severed head of an enemy tribesman can fill the bill. For a goal, any shopkeeper’s doorway or bird-flu-infested chicken coop can serve as a goal. So of course the game is popular around the world. If the American pastime of baseball had stretched to all corners of the globe how many games would be interrupted because all the Louisville Sluggers were stolen and used for firewood?

Most sports other than soccer and handball require some infrastructure to play and in a country where they’re thrilled when the Peace Corps digs a well, I think helmets and pads to play American football are a world away.

Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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