By Ashley Toland Editor

Editor’s Note: The following is a conversation between old friends New Orleans and Mobile, who affectionately call each other Nola and Mobie. It seems Nola is a bit upset at Mobie for “stealing” one of her businesses.

Mobie: Hello.

Nola: What the hell do you think you’re doing? I mean, Jesus Christ, why don’t you just go ahead and kick me again while I’m down, Mobie. Go ahead. Please. I insist.

Mobie: Well, good morning to you, too, Nola.

Nola: Oh don’t give me that, you backwoods burg.

Mobie: What are you talking about?

Nola: Oh, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Vulture!

Mobie: Really, I don’t know what…

Nola (crying and interrupting): Mobie, you took one of my oldest businesses. One who has been with me for 60 years and employs about 150 of my citizens.

Mobie: Oh. You mean International Shipholding.

Nola (sobbing): That would be the one.

Mobie: Look Nola, I’m sorry about that. When I first heard about this, they were just looking for a place for one of their subsidiaries- only because it couldn’t operate because of the channel restrictions placed on your port after the hurricane.

Nola: Well, somehow now the whole company is moving its corporate headquarters to you. I guess you had absolutely nothing to do with that.

Mobie: Well, sweetie, I’m sorry my port is so fabulous. I’m not called the Port City for nothing, you know. But really, it wasn’t me. The governor, RSA, my port authority, the city and industrial development board put together a crazy incentives package. Girlfriend, it was like over twenty-something million and next thing I know…

Nola: Yeah, next thing you know this company and its nearly 40 ships and 850 barges are packing up and leaving me for you.

Mobie: Yeah, that does really suck for you. I’m sorry. Hey, what all do they do? I may want to put a little themed gift basket together for them or something.

Nola: Mostly waterborne freight transportation including LASH, pure car/truck carrier services, roll-on/roll-off, breakbulk and bulk carrier services, domestic coastwise services, and rail-ferry transportation services.

Mobie: I don’t understand what most of that means.

Nola: And you call yourself a port city. No, I’m sorry…The Port City.

Mobie: Well, what does it mean?

Nola: Hell, if I know or if I care. Remember, I’m “The City that Care Forgot.”

Mobie: How could I forget?

(The girls giggle.)

Mobie: Seriously. How’s everything else, babe?

Nola: Well, let’s see. I’ve got “gang-land style” shootings going on in Slidell, wandering bands of drag queens terrorizing Magazine Street and….

Mobie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Bands of what?

Nola: Oh yeah. Drag queens. Transvestites. Whatever you want to call them. They’re invading women’s clothing stores in the Lower Garden District and taking thousands of dollars in merchandise. One of my poor store’s employees was quoted in an article I was reading the other day saying, “The transvestites appear to be drug-addicted and fearless in their lust for designer shoes, jackets and jewelry.”

Mobie: Oh my god. That’s crazy.

Nola: Yeah. I guess I can’ really blame International Shipholding for leaving me. I’m just a mess right now.

Mobie: Oh, honey, things will get better. It’s just going to take some more time. Are y’all ready for this hurricane season?

Nola: Well, they say most of my levees and floodwalls and stuff are back as strong or stronger than they were before Katrina, but if another major storm hits us, it really won’t matter. The low-lying areas will still flood.

Mobie: Well, let’s just pray that doesn’t happen. How’s Ray? I see you stayed with him. I kind of thought you would leave him for Mitch Landrieu.

Nola: Well, honestly, I’m just so exhausted I just didn’t have the energy for that much change in my life right now. Plus, I’ve grown fond of my Wonka’s little baldhead. And he hasn’t said anything too terribly stupid lately, so things are fine. But enough about me. Besides stealing my businesses, what else have you been up to? How’s that husband of yours, Mrs. Jones?

Mobie: Oh Sam’s fine. He’s just kind of there. I’m still bored to tears with him. But at least he’s always away from me on some business trip or another, so let’s just say I’ve been dipping back into an old well while he’s been away.

Nola: Shut up! No, you have not! With Mike Dow?

Mobie: Well, I mean, I’ve just been flirting with him a little bit lately. (whining) I just miss him so much, Nola. You know, I don’t know if he’ll ever actually come back to me, but I think in his heart of hearts, he wants to. But you know he’s still with that stupid old automated lighting company.

Nola: Please, she’s got nothing on you. How can you even compare yourself to her? You’re a beautiful city, who keeps getting better and better, and, by the way, is about to be the corporate headquarters to a company who trades on the New York Stock Exchange.

Mobie (mocking in a redneck voice): International Shipholding is on the New York City Stock Exchange? Son of a biscuit eater. Ain’t we fancy now?

Nola: Well, that is a big deal. You should be proud of that, you old, thievin’ ho’ bag.

Mobie: Watch it, sister. I’m not the one they call “The Big Easy.”

Nola: Touche. Listen, girl, I gotta run. I told Biloxi I’d call her last week, and I still haven’t.

Mobie: Give that piece of ‘Sippi Coast trash my best.

Nola: I will. Talk to you later. Take Care.

Mobie: Ok. You too. Bye.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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