By Ashley Toland Editor

After studying the habits of the rare species known as the Mobileus Politicalus Localus (aka local Mobile politician) for quite some time, definitive characteristics have been observed, both in captivity (during open meetings) and while they are roaming about in the wild, free from the confines of the glass walls of Government Plaza. Characteristics so definitive, I have derived a specific formula for their genesis — one any Mobilian could follow in order to devolve into said creatures.

Mama and Papa

It’s best if the parental units were neglectful and/or abusive and/or alcoholics and/or blue collar. Mobilians love a rags-to-riches story. A perfect example of this is former Mayor Mike Dow, who spent time in foster care and had an alcoholic father. It also seems to be good if the parents produce 10 or more children besides the politicalus localus. Apparently, we like to pick the stud of the litter. Between Councilmen Fred Richardson and Clinton Johnson they have 17 siblings.

The Mobile politician is not typically from a Bush-or-Kennedy-like dynasty. Oh, don’t worry little Timmy Van Inge Van Antwerp, III or Mary (insert yet another old money family name before old money last name). You, too, can still be involved in your local government, but your role will be more behind-the-scenes, giving large amounts of money to the assorted ragamuffins’ campaigns, so you can control them like your very own little FAO Schwarz puppets. Weeeee!

Schoolin’

If you’re a native cracker, then the same judgements apply to your high school choice as it does to all other Mobile crackers. (This is probably one of the only cities in America when people ask you what school you went to, they are referring to high school, not college.) Not being a native Mobilian myself, I have made a few notes on this.

When people answer Theodore, Mary G. Montgomery, Vigor, Shaw, Baker (although that one is kind of on the fence) or B.C. Rain, there seems to be a sympathetic nod from the person who has asked. Natives, who have attended one of these schools, may be better suited for a county commission seat, like BC Rain grad, Commissioner Mike Dean.

Murphy and Davidson seem to be acceptable. And if the answer is any of the private schools, a follow-up question seems to be, “who are your parents or what do they do?” Just so you know, the two whitie city councilors who attended high school here are Reggie Copeland and Ben Brooks, who attended Murphy and Davidson, respectively.

If you’re a native black politician, you need to have graduated from Central High School, as their alumni seem to be a powerful political force in this town. Just ask current Mayor Sam Jones, who made time to thank them in his inauguration speech. An exception to this is newbie councilman William Carroll, who attended McGill Toolen High School with all the Catholic crackers. But he balanced it out by attending a traditionally black college, Florida A&M University, and then working for a white Democrat, Dick Gephardt.

College

In a football-crazed state like ours, it seems to best to steer clear of the University of Alabama or Auburn or any of their other big rivals. With a diploma from any of these schools, you automatically eliminate half of your potential voters. The only councilperson who violated this was Brooks, but he only went to law school at Alabama; he did his undergrad work locally at South. And that seems to be a good plan. Former Mayor Dow, Fred Richardson, Clinton “CJ” Johnson, and Former Councilman/Mayoral Candidate Peavy along with Brooks all earned degrees from USA. Copeland stayed local as well, attending Spring Hill.

Connie went to Troy State, which is probably fine, since their football team isn’t in the SEC. The only one who could be in trouble is Gina Gregory, who attended Florida. But since she kicked such serious ass in the general election that she didn’t have to be in the run-off, folks must not mind the Gator too much. Probably since they’re eastern division, and Spurrier’s gone.

Religion

There’s not much wiggle room here. You either have to be Catholic or Baptist, with the latter being the more popular choice among the current regime. And really it’s not enough to just attend. Hell, CJ is the pastor of his Baptist church and Mayor Jones is the Sunday school superintendent of his church. Freddie D has not only written three religious books, but also a play titled “The Birth of a Church.” God, I hope there’s a local performance of it in the future, although its “world premiere” was already at the National Baptist Winter Conference in Nashville in 1996. Shucks!

But if they do bring it local, I plan to try out for Mary Magdalene, Jezebel, Delilah, the woman at the well or maybe a less ambitious part like Sinner #1, if any of those are available or are even part of the play.

Community Involvement prior to office

Pick from the following list. The more the better.

Jaycees, Rotary, Kiwanis, Leadership Mobile, PTA, Girl or Boy Scouts, zoning board or planning commission, any museum or arts council board, Junior Miss or BayFest board, as well as the chamber, state docks or water board. Extra points for being a board member for any charitable organization. The more sympathetic the victim, the more points you earn.

I would try to find get on the board for Abused and Neglected Children with Terminal Diseases who own Abused Dogs or Cats with Heartworms. Hard to trump that one. Well maybe if the kid’s mother is a domestic violence victim.

So this has been just a little guide on how to become a Mobileus Politicalus Localus. Check out our Web site (www.lagniappemobile.com) for helpful hints on what to do if you achieve this devolution. Just click on “Hidden Agenda” under “Commentary.”

Check back Wednesday, January 11 for part two of this column and sign up for our newsletter to receive updates on web-only content.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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