By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

SOMEWHERE NEAR HEAVEN – Welcome my son. How was your trip?

God, is that you?

Not quite, my boy. I’m Saint Peter, I kind of serve as the screener around here. But you’ve probably heard that before. I’ll just need to go over your records before you can proceed. It’s a standard thing we do here, nothing to be nervous about. Now it says here you’re James Warren from Mobile, Alabama. That right?

Yes Mr. Peter.

Saint Peter will be fine, Mr. Warren. Just perusing the record, it looks like you’ve led a pretty decent life. No murders, stealing or ripping tags off mattresses. Ha, ha, ha! Just a little heavenly humor! But seriously, it looks pretty clean. I see a couple of lies at the Alabama Deep Sea Fishing Rodeo, but everyone does that. It’s not a sin unless you get caught! No, nothing too bad ….

Thank you Saint Peter. I’ve tried to live a good life and treat my fellow man with…

Hold on just a minute, buster! What’s this business here!

I was only 13! I had no idea the J.C. Penney’s catalogue had pictures of women in just their bras!

No, no, no, not that Mr. Warren! What’s all this e-mail forwarding? It says here you routinely forwarded all manner of chain e-mails to a massive list of friends, relatives, co-workers, total strangers, prisoners, people you met once, celebrities and the dead.

Well St. Peter, I kind of like to send my friends funny jokes or e-mails I think are interesting. Surely that isn’t any kind of sin.

Not any kind of sin, Mr. Warren? It’s only one of the worst things you can do to a fellow human being that doesn’t involve a chainsaw or a hot poker. Don’t play dumb with me, you knew what you were doing.

All I did was forward some interesting e-mails, Saint Peter. Most of them were just cool little stories that kind of made me think about things or made me laugh. And there were some that contained useful information. I don’t really see how it could possibly have hurt anyone.

You don’t, huh? Well, Mr. Warren, do you remember Gary Johansen?

Well yes, actually I met him once at a party…

Yes, and you got his business card and immediately added him to your group e-mail list. I know. It’s all right here, Mr. Warren. Do you remember how he died?

I think he had a heart attack trying to get into his car.

That’s right. You have a good memory, Mr. Warren. Lets see if you remember this – did you ever send Mr. Johansen an e-mail claiming people who locked their keys in their cars could use a cell phone to call home and have someone there aim the spare keyless entry device into the phone while the person locked out of the car held his cell phone up to the car and it would unlock said vehicle?

Yes, I kind of remember that, Saint Peter.

Well, that’s what killed him. The frustration of stupidly standing there waiting for the car door to open while the realization slowly crept over him that your e-mail was a complete hoax caused his heart to explode!

But Saint Peter, I had no idea…

Yes, of course, you had no idea! That’s what all YOU PEOPLE – you chronic forwarders – say. Do you know how many friends, acquaintances and total strangers got equine encephalitis and West Nile virus after reading that idiotic bit you forwarded that claimed putting a few drops of Lemon-Fresh Joy in some water on a white plate would kill mosquitoes?

That doesn’t work?

Of course it doesn’t work! If it did, wouldn’t cities spend their money filling white plates with Lemon-Fresh Joy to end their mosquito problems instead of driving around spraying chemicals into the air?

I guess so. But it sounded good. I didn’t think it could hurt to try it.

Even if no one got hurt, Mr. Warren, that doesn’t justify mindlessly and mercilessly wasting everyone’s time with things that could easily have been checked out. Do you realize that on three separate occasions you sent a message telling people Mars would soon appear as large as the moon in the night sky? You actually forwarded your own forward, once.

So I guess it never happened either?

Thankfully no. Since Mars is only about twice the size of the moon, if it appeared to be that large to the naked eye, it would probably be shortly before it crashed into Earth. Didn’t you even take third grade science? I have to believe any reasonable person would know that. I’m certain you were doing this on purpose, yanking people’s chains to get your jollies.

But Saint Peter, I don’t know what you mean….

Please, Mr. Warren! You don’t realize the stress you caused others by sending them patriotic messages saying something good would happen to them at 9:11 p.m. if they forwarded it on to 20 other people, or that something bad would happen if they didn’t? And what about the false joy people felt when you sent word Fitness Guru John Basedow had been killed by Indonesian tsunamis? I was even tricked by that bit of cyber-cruelty.

I’m so sorry Saint Peter (sob!). Am I going to Hell?

Well, since you didn’t ever forward that stupid e-mail saying the Swiffer WetJet kills dogs, I think I can let you slide with a hundred years of Purgatory with no e-mail access.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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