By Ashley Toland Editor

Last issue, marked the fourth anniversary of Lagniappe, which means I have been covering the antics of the Mobile City Council for four long, mostly boring, rarely entertaining years.

I’ve seen two councilpersons and a mayor depart and their replacements step up. I’ve listened to them insult each other employing third person and nursery rhymes. I’ve endured the self-righteousness and aggrandizement, the sanctimony and megalomania. My god, I have sat through four years of budget presentations, including one five-hour one (yes, the Citizen Brooks Power Point year), and I still keep going back for more each Tuesday morn. Am I some kind of glutton for punishment? Some sort of twisted masochist? No, it’s not that. I must confess: I love it. And as much as I complain about it and our fair councilors, I think it’s great. It’s a perfect little slice of democracy pie topped with a unique and flavorful meringue of light and fluffy characters. And who isn’t a glutton for pie? Please.

Wow. Now that I’ve told you my dirty little secret, I feel like I should go ahead and be like Usher and give you some more of my confessions.

So step into the confessional and forgive me, readers, for I have sinned. It’s been four years since my last confession, and I need some Absolut, I mean absolution.

1. Not since David Thomas have I been obsessed with a butt as much as council character, Pandora’s.

Now let me clarify, this is not a sexual but rather a jealous obsession, as I am lacking mucho junk-o in my trunk-o. But Pandora’s is bootylicious with a capital B. For those of you not familiar with Pandora, she’s a sweet, little older lady who addresses the council on a fairly regular basis, usually incorporating props of some sort. One time she used a box that she called Pandora’s box. Hence the nickname. Anyway, it’s usually hard for me to concentrate on what she says because I am marveling at the perfect, bubbly roundness of her derriere.

2. I think Ben Brooks and Connie Hudson are good, hardworking councilpersons.

Yes, they exhaust me. Yes, they make me fantasize about having laser beams shoot out of my eyes that could paralyze their vocal chords. Yes, I think they go over the top with the constant sanctimonious sermons on “philosophies” and the concerns with “process” and the “I need some questions answered by the administration” gobbledy-gook. But I really feel like their hearts are in the right place, and they work hard for their districts. I guess that was sort of a backhanded compliment.

3. I confess, I give backhanded compliments. Forgive me, for I’m about to give them another one.

4. Though I applaud their extraordinary efforts to make governmental processes as pure as possible, I feel like Ben and Connie operate under the assumption elected officials are, for the most part, inherently unethical.

The most recent example of this is when the mayor was trying to have a bond issued on his laundry list of citywide capital improvement projects. In order to do this he had to pick a bank (who stood to make a lot of money) to sell the bonds. Ben and Connie felt this should have been subject to a bid process and not left to the discretion of the mayor and administration. Ben went on to say he thought the people currently involved in this process were good people, but that may not always be the case and the process itself should be reformed. “A good process will survive good people,” he said. Connie agreed. Shocking!

I fundamentally disagree with their “philosophy” on this. Government is purified by the election process. We, the citizenry, listen to candidates and vote for the ones we feel will represent us with honesty and integrity. If they don’t act accordingly, they’ll be gone. Just ask Thomas Sullivan.

Granted, there are some officials who fool us and don’t deserve to even make it to the next election, but I think as a community, we have been superb watchdogs of our government and have rooted out those who have been dishonest. Just ask David Thomas.

If we start trying to dirty-politician proof every task we ask of our public officials, no matter how mundane, we will be tethered by so much bureaucratic red tape, nothing will ever get accomplished.

5. I think Gina Gregory rocks.

Everyone expected her to come right in and have a ménage trois with Ben and Connie. But instead, she has been even kinkier and swung both ways, much like the elder swing voter, Reggie. Some times she votes with the EMo triumvirate of Fred, Clinton and William and some times with the WeMo council couple. I dig that. It shows she really thinks about each issue and votes her conscience rather than out of some sort of political alliance.

6. I don’t understand laxatives.

I mean, I understand laxatives and how nature may need a helping hand from time to time. But what I don’t understand is why on the mayor’s fancy, new hurricane preparedness Web site (www.cityofmobile.org/hurricane.php) laxatives are listed right along with bottled water and batteries as a supply to gather. Huh? Does the drop in barometric pressure cause a major outbreak of constipation?

I was not aware of this, but since Imodium was not listed, I’m assuming as tropical systems near, the intestines must ebb rather than flow. This is just me, but I would suggest in times when water supply and AC may be compromised, you probably should just try and keep the kids inside for a few days.

I’m done with my confessions for now. I guess I’ll go say a few Hail Marys now to cleanse me of these dirty thoughts. Or not.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives