By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

The not-too-distant future in an airport near you…

Flight Safety Engineer (Security Guard): Welcome to the Mobile International Airport, sir. May I see your ticket?

Would-be Passenger: Here you go.

FSE: I need all three copies sir. We need one that notarized and one accompanied by a letter from your doctor saying you’ve been thoroughly examined and have not ingested any potentially explosive substances.

WBP: Ooops, sorry. Here you go. Boy, was THAT examination painful. Kind of makes you long for the days of “turn your head and cough, ha, ha!”

FSE (Looking through the papers without emotion): Everything appears to be in order here, although it seems your cholesterol is dangerously high.

WBP: Is that a problem for flying?

FSE: Cholesterol is not currently on the list of forbidden substances, but the Department of Homeland Security has issued an advisory that Al Qaeda operatives could be trying to smuggle explosives aboard airliners by loading their arteries and veins with a plastique that might look very much like simple arterial plaque.

WBP (Nervously): Hey, I’m just a guy who eats a lot of butter. I’ll be sure to switch to “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Plastique,” ha, ha!

FSE: Sir, Homeland Security has also told us to be on the lookout for Al Qaeda operatives making lame jokes, so unless you’d like a full body cavity search…

WBP: Hey, hey! No need for that! No more jokes, I promise.

FSE: OK sir, now I need to ask you a few questions. Has anyone asked you to carry anything aboard the airplane today?

WBP: Nope.

FSE: Has anyone offered you a sports drink, Reeses Peanut Butter Cup, a stick of gum, hair gel, a Weekly World News, plastic army men or a Sponge Bob Squarepants sticker today?

WBP: My barber gave me hair gel after I got my hair cut this morning.

FSE (eyebrows raised): Really? Does your barber go by any of the following names: Osama, Sommy-baby or Bill Laden?

WBP: Um, no. His name is Jeff.

FSE: Is he from Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Iran, any of the Stans or any other place where they hate America?

WBP: I think he’s from Semmes. Do they hate America there? Ha, ha!

FSE: Sir…

WBP: Sorry. No, I don’t think Jeff gave me exploding hair gel. He’s just a regular American.

FSE: If you don’t mind, I’ll be the judge of that, sir. Lean forward and let me look at your hair, please sir. Hmmmm, everything seems to be in order here, although you do seem to be losing a bit of hair on top of your head…

WBP: I don’t really see how that’s a security issue.

FSE: That’s because you’re not a trained security professional, sir. We received a directive just last week from Homeland Security that Al Qaeda has devised some explosive hair gels that are activated by contact with the balding treatment Propecia. Are you currently using Propecia, sir?

WBP: No.

FSE: You should, but not in conjunction with hair gel, unless you are in complete control of the hair gel at all times. Gotta stay vigilant, sir.

WBP: Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind. How much more of this is there? I’m going to be late for my flight.

FSE: Ha, ha! That’s actually the first funny thing you’ve said today, sir! Your plane isn’t even here yet. I doubt it’s made it to Atlanta yet, sir. All of our flights are a good four or five hours behind schedule right now. In fact, we’re advising passengers to add an average of four hours to their departure times because of the increased security measures. The blood and DNA tests take at least three hours to complete, even under the best circumstances, you know.

WBP: I already showed up at this rinky-dink airport an hour-and-a-half early, and now you’re telling me I’ve still got another four-hour wait! What am I supposed to do in the meantime?

FSE: I believe there’s a Ms. Pacman machine in our arcade, sir.

WBP: Oh that should keep me busy for the next several hours. Maybe I’ll just go over to the “gentleman’s club” next to the airport.

FSE: Oh I wouldn’t recommend that sir. I’d have to label you a high-risk passenger then.

WBP: For going to watch some naked women dance? Why?

FSE: Exposure to extreme amounts of silicone, sir. Homeland Security sent us a directive on that just yesterday. Anything that sets the silicate detectors off is going to require that you complete a 24-hour observation period in our holding tank before we can allow you to fly, just to make sure you don’t blow up or anything.

WBP: This is insane. I should have just driven. I’d get there faster.

FSE: Now that you’ve expressed that sentiment sir, I’ve been instructed by Homeland Security to inform you if you don’t fly, the terrorists have won.

WBP: Maybe they have anyway.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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