By Ashley Toland Editor

I have a confession to make. I plagiarized a column. Don’t get mad. Don’t think I’m dishonest. It was just the one time. Geez. It was years ago. And it seemed like a column I probably would have done anyway. And I swear I’ve written all the rest of them, so I mean, I don’t think I should be judged on this one thing when I’ve penned my own ever since.

Plus, really the only reason I did it is because someone I really respected asked me to do it for some reason. I probably wouldn’t have done it at all if it hadn’t been for that, but it was hard for me to say no to this person. Furthermore, some of my colleagues said it was OK. I mean, it’s not my fault they were wrong, so I really don’t see what the big deal is. I promise I’ll never do it again.

I’m lying. About lying. I didn’t plagiarize a column. I just wanted to apply the same logic and use the same excuses disrobed municipal judges Rahman and Lackey used to defend themselves from ordering the expungement of David Thomas’s DUI to an equally egregious act in my profession – you know, just to see how it felt. And I’ll have to say, it felt pretty good. I was starting to feel a little sorry for them since they lost their jobs and all, but when I thought about it like that, the pity melted away like butter on hot buns.

Mmmmm. Hot buns.

Sorry. Anyway, Judge Rahman expressed during her interview that she couldn’t believe her entire career was going to come down to this one mistake and she reminded the council of all the years of good service she had given. But the issue here isn’t really quantity; it’s severity. Giving someone special treatment would rival taking bribes in the Super Bowl of unethical judicial behavior. I can only imagine what the cheerleaders would look like in that game. Yikes!

Sorry. Anyway, the Alabama Canons of Judicial Ethics state, “a judge should not allow his family, social or other relationships to influence his judicial conduct or judgment. He should not lend the prestige of his office to advance the private interests of others; nor should he convey the impression that they are in a special position to influence him. He should not testify voluntarily as a character witness at any hearing before any court or governmental commission.”

Clearly Judge Rahman let Judge Herman Thomas influence her judicial conduct in this case and Judge Lackey signed off on it, so they had to go. And they need to save a place for Hermie in the unemployment line because he, more than any of them, needs to be the next to go.

Of course he may not be unemployed for long. I heard the Alabama Judicial Inquiry Commission was going to make a documentary (you know, to show at judge school) to offer examples of how not to violate the above canon and asked Hermie to star. OK, I’m lying again. But he would be perfect for the part because not only did he help out his cuz Davie T, but also his buddy Sen. Vivian Figures’ jailbird son and some football player. He also signed his name to a letter soliciting money for charity. Another no-no. He’s violated every part of the canon. How ambitious!

And let’s just say for fun he didn’t ask Judge Rahman to expunge the records, but rather just asked her for “input,” as she claims, it still violates the canon. Hello, read the last sentence of it again, which is probably exactly why he is claiming he didn’t speak to her at all about this, but come on. Then we would have to believe Judge Rahman just crazily made up this story about a judge in a higher court and then expunged the record of a man she didn’t even know. Please. In the immortal words of another gavel-banger, Judge Judy, “don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”

I’m not sure what the timeframe is on the Alabama’s Judicial Inquiry Committee’s investigation of Thomas because they won’t comment on this at all, but I hope they give him more than just a slap on the wrist. He has been complicit in all of this, an he should suffer more significant consequences than the judges who lost their jobs because they complied with his unethical requests. Granted they should have told him to take a hike, but he should never have put them in that position in the first place.

Furthermore, I just can’t imagine how any defendant, victim, attorney or prosecutor could ever really feel comfortable in his courtroom again. Well, unless they’re his friend or his cousin.

Sorry Hermie Baby. You gotta go.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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