By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

My old buddy William Hinge Van Anterse III – Trey to his friends – sat at the bar pouring over some papers as he sipped his Crown and Coke. A disgusted look crossed his face.

“Did you know 10th graders in this county are supposed to read Walt Whitman poems? What kind of pervert would assign that to school kids?” he blurted out to no one in particular.

“Actually, I’ve never read much Whitman. Is something wrong with it?” I asked.

“Only that Bill Clinton gave a whole book of Whitman’s dirty poems to Monica Lewinsky. If Whitman’s dirty enough for the horniest president in history, I don’t think our school kids should be reading his poems, that’s all,” Trey said. “I have half a mind to give ol’ Fleet Belle a call and get Walt Whitman’s dirty limericks yanked off the reading list.”

“Oh, I see what this is about. I guess you’re all excited about the new school board member getting ‘The Living Tree’ banned from the ninth grade summer reading list. Don’t tell me you agree with that kind of thing,” I said.

“Absolutely. It’s about time we had someone on the school board making sure our kids aren’t reading a bunch of filth.”

“But your kids go to private school.”

“Man, that doesn’t make any difference! Fleet Belle is the only one who had the guts to do what should have been done a long time ago. That book is full of sex scenes and uses the ‘N word’ and ‘bitch,’ ‘bastard’ and ‘ass.’ Who wants their kids reading that kind of language.

“I’m sure ninth grade kids never hear that kind of language around the house, from their friends or on TV. And it seems to me that reading a sex scene in a classic book is probably far more preferable than what someone’s going to see in a Nelly video or on just about any show on the boob tube,” I said.

“What people let their kids watch at home is their business. The school just shouldn’t be telling our children they have to read filth during summer break. Summer’s the time for getting outside and fishing and having fun, not reading trashy novels,” Trey said. He motioned for the bartender to refresh his drink. “Besides, how is reading a bunch of sex scenes and dirty words going to help anyone learn. There’s already enough sex and profanity in the schools as it is without us assigning youngsters to read about it.”

“Well the Reverend Belle says he moved to have ‘The Learning Tree’ banned after receiving complaints from mothers and grandmothers. Seems to me he’s going to be pretty busy banning books if he reacts to every complaint he receives. Shouldn’t Fleet Belle and the rest of the elected school board members leave it to professional educators to decide what books students should read and at what age? Reverend Belle said he didn’t think ‘The Learning Tree’ would even be acceptable for high school seniors. It might shock him to know a heck of a lot of high school seniors are having actual sex, not just reading about it. And all of them are old enough to go to an NC-17 movie where they’re bound to hear words a bit more salty than ‘bastard’ and ‘ass.’”

“Man, that’s where you’re completely wrong,” Trey countered. “People like Fleet Belle are exactly what we need on the school board. School board members ought to be reviewing books and making sure students are taught the right things.”

“I’m not sure all of our school board members are educated enough to qualify for that type of duty,” I said. “This seems to me like the worst kind of pandering and micromanaging.”

I looked over at Trey’s copy of the school system’s summer reading list. “Look Trey, I haven’t read most of the books on this list, but I certainly see a few that contain profanity and sexual content. ‘Huckleberry Finn’ is full of the ‘N word.’ I guess Fleet Belle’s going to have that one banned. And there are a few Hemingway classics that contain some adult language and situations. I guess the school board should get those off the list too. ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ has its own bad language problems ,too, and don’t even think about allowing ‘Catcher in the Rye.’ Fleet Belle might not approve of ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’ either. Don’t you see the slippery slope we’ve gone down here?”

“Well, now you’ve finally said something that makes sense. Fleet Belle and the rest of the school board clearly do have a lot of work to do on this list. I mean there are so many books on here that sound pretty strange. They’ve got ninth graders reading one called ‘Tunes for Bears to Dance.’ If I’m not mistaken, ‘Bears’ is slang for big, hairy gay dudes. That can’t be wholesome. There’s also one called ‘The Pigman & Me’ that sounds kind of strange. And there’s one called ‘The Sign of the Beaver.’ If that doesn’t sound dirty, I don’t know what does. The school board really needs to screen the whole list and start over.”

“Well, I know one book even Fleet Belle is sure to let through,” I said.

“What’s that?” Trey responded.

”’Fahrenheit 451.’”

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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