By Ashley Toland Editor

I used to never read “Sound Off,” because, well, it just made me sad. But then I felt I was doing myself a huge disservice by not seeing what’s really on the mind of the entire citizenry, especially when it comes to city politics. So I started reading it.

I’m now obsessed and not just with all the brilliant political insight I’ve garnered from the callers, but also with all the other wonderful tidbits of knowledge so generously offered by these folks – like how to correctly say “Talladega” or that the tomato is actually a citrus fruit or people find that Frances Coleman so darn wacky and witty.

My craving for the inane blurbs became so ravenous the daily offering was no longer satisfying. I didn’t know what I was going to do to stop my shakes. Maybe listen to Uncle Henry’s callers scream about potholes or holler “Roll Tide,” which would help, but I knew it wouldn’t sustain me for long.

Then suddenly I saw it – printed right at the top of the column, a note that said they were not able to publish all the calls. From that moment on, all I could think of was what they were doing with the left-overs, which I was certain, like spaghetti or chili, would only taste better the next day.

I knew I had to find those delicious offerings and free them from their giant Tupperware prison inside the cold P-R “Sound-Off” Frigidaire. So I broke in last night, and did just that, sitting on the floor, feeding on the tasty bites until I reached a state of gluttonous euphoria.

Before they fully digest, I’d like to share my findings:

God Bless Brooks

I just want to say God Bless Ben Brooks for denying those recent liquor applications in District Four, especially the club formerly known as the High Chaparral on Halls Mill. That place was eat up with sin. I know our neighborhood character will continue to improve and hopefully we will be able to put up some churches where these places used to be. Prostitutes will be replaced by parishners! Sin with Sacrament!! Condoms with Commandments!!! Budweiser with the Bible!!! Gonorrhea with the Good Word!!!!! Praise Jesus and Praise Ben Brooks!!!!!!

Boobs and Bourbon, Please

First they deny a liquor license to the ol’ High Chaparral, which was originally going to be a gentleman’s club. Then they deny Mamma B’s a liquor license. I live in District Four and I like myself a nice bourbon coupled with some boobies. I guess Councilman Ben Brooks doesn’t. I want boobs and bourbon in District Four. Brooks, you a boob and booze Nazi!

Golden Idea

I hope they build the I-10 bridge over the Mobile River. I think it would be just beautiful. I lived in San Francisco for 25 years, and I always loved to gaze at the Golden Gate. Plus, you don’t think about all the jobs a bridge like that brings. You can have T-shirts and little collectible spoons and little thimbles and coffee mugs and mouse pads all with the bridge on it. Vendors could sell ‘em down at Cooper Riverside. I think it would really help our economy.

Baywatch Bridge

To the caller who said if we get the I-10 bridge we should name it something catchy. I think we should call it the Pamela Anderson, assuming it will be as well endowed a bridge as the Dolly Parton. I should hope it would be. I like to drive over the Dolly late at night and think about Dolly. The real Dolly, I mean. Some times I’ll drive over it several times a night when I’m feeling especially lonely. Please include places to pull over and stop and think about Pamela on the new bridge. Thank you.

Mouth-to-mouth

Well, I see the Mobile City Council is voting for themselves a raise, when our poor police and firemen are barely living above poverty. I remember one of them saying they weren’t going to take food from one person’s mouth to put it in another’s. I guess that’s true unless it’s their own big, ol’ greedy mouths. Next time a meth head breaks into my house in the middle of the night, I’m just calling one of them.

Raise long overdue

I know you other “Sound Off” callers aren’t going to like this, but I think our council members deserve a raise. It’s been almost 10 years since their last one, and it’s only $200 a month more. The speed lump my councilman got me is worth the $200 a month alone. I think the raise is well deserved.

Well when you put it that way…

It seems like 32,800 would be enough for our PART TIME Mobile City Council members, especially since it’s more than the starting salaries of many our FULL TIME city employees.

Frances, what about the oldest profession?

I just love me some Frances Coleman, especially her precious Labor Day column thanking those who work the hardest. I think she forgot those hard workin’ women in Oakleigh, though. Hahahahaha.

Beauty in the eye of…

Whatever happened to good lookin’ hookers? I’d rather pay my cocker spaniel for sex than those dogs they arrested in Oakleigh. Gross. I’d like to know who was utilizing their services. You should put their pictures in the paper.

A whole new meaning to “Love thy Neighbor”

Does anyone know if Sam Jones is still single? Now’s there’s a neighbor I could really love. Rrrrrrooowww.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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