By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

We live in the best country in the world. That’s no rah-rah Lee Greenwood statement; that is a fact. No matter where I’ve gone on this planet, the standard of living we enjoy is unsurpassed. It’s not the per capita income, because some countries best us in that, it is what we do with that money that has pushed our way of life stateside to the top.

It was the 5th anniversary of 9/11 when I stopped by the pet store to pick up some dog food. I had, in the back of my mind, been mulling over the implications of that day five years ago and where we as a country are now. I thought about where the war against terror would take us as a country and how long it would take to defeat Islamic extremists.

I’m bouncing that contemplative shuttlecock from lobe to lobe when I realized right there on the dog food aisle why the extremists hate us and I’m proud to be an American – that is diet dog food. There it was, the whole American spirit in the 27-pound bag of dog kibble I slung over my shoulder.

Diet dog food is the purest most blatant example of why the terrorists hate us and here I was buying almost 30 pounds of the stuff, and I didn’t feel the smallest pang of guilt. What was wrong with me, shouldn’t I feel guilty that I had it so good that even my dog was fat?

Well both my fat dog and I are caring creatures and would love to see the people of oppressed and poor Mid-East states have a better way of life. I would love to see better infrastructure, health care and education in those countries, but the problem is I believe that has to be paired with freedom because only when people are free can they truly become apathetic. In times of duress people conduct themselves with an air of seriousness and diligence in an attempt to change the discomfort of their situation. If you change that discomfort to luxury and freedom, only then will people stop achieving and only do just enough to keep themselves fat and happy.

A prime example is the early days of this country when the laws and taxes of the British Empire were a discomfort big enough that our founding fathers didn’t just resist it, they started a whole new country. In the days of the Continental Congress, the American Revolution and the first decades of the new nation, there wasn’t a lot of chafe in the populous. The need to keep yourself and family from starving or keeping the colonial powers at bay meant you had to stay on your A game to survive. The next 200 plus years have been successively easier and the citizenry have become more pliable. That is what I hope for countries like Iraq.

I think instead of fighting the physical fight our soldiers are now engaged in, we need to focus on taking the extreme out of Islamic Extremist. The whole war against terror would be solved if the terrorists weren’t so damn extreme. If force is slow to beat people who feel they are under duress and involved in an epic conflict, then some air conditioning and “Entertainment Tonight” may just be their undoing. If freedom takes hold in places like Iraq, then the apathy of the good life will counter the current extremist attitude.

Or maybe the solution lies in comedy. The Islamic world seems to be light on comedy. I haven’t seen much in the way of Islamic extremist stand-up comedians, mockumentaries or sitcoms in my life. I think the lack of exposure to any satire makes mullah a dull boy. If these guys laughed once in a while maybe every comment or action they didn’t agree with wouldn’t seem like the end of the world.

Maybe if Ahkmed Foxworthy had a bit called “You Might Be a Terrorist…,” they would learn to laugh at themselves and not take to killing nuns to prove they’re not violent. If you are a budding Islamic extremist comedian, call me I have that whole you might be a terrorist bit written.

All it is going to take is a Mullah or two having their pets get fat enough that they need diet pet food or laugh at Mujahideen’s funniest cave videos, and they’ll lose a lot of their extremeness, which will be extremely great for the rest of us. A world threatened by Islamic apathetics is more my style and I’ll do what I can to make sure that comes true.

Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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