By Ashley Toland Editor

All I ever really needed to know I didn’t learn in kindergarten, I learned from the Mobile City Council. In fact the life lessons I learned in kindergarten are not always employed by the Mobile 7, especially around budget time. Things like “Don’t raise your voice,” “Don’t interrupt,” “Don’t call each other names,” “Always share,” and “Play nice,” are thrown right through the still-leaky Government Plaza roof each fall. So maybe I haven’t learned all I need to know from my GP posse, but I have garnered these little nuggets of knowledge.

You can indeed give yourself a nickname. (If it will come back to bite you in the ass.)

George Costanza wanted to be called “T-Bone.” Steve Nodine wanted to be called “Hammer.” The only difference is it worked for Nodine. Yes, one quiet day, not long, long ago the former city councilman and current county commissioner dubbed himself “the Hammer.” I’m not sure if he wanted to “hammer” out danger, warning or love between his brothers and his sisters, or if he just likes hammers or getting hammered, but it stuck, probably because it’s just so ridiculous. And too, if he ever gets caught doing anything wrong, “Hammer Gets Nailed!” will be such a dream to write.

Now, District Two Councilman William Carroll is following suit. At the last two city council meetings, many abandoned houses and properties in his district were declared public nuisances and scheduled for demolition. So council president Reggie Copeland joked, “Steve Nodine liked to be called ‘The Hammer,’ maybe we should call you ‘The Bulldozer.’” William said he preferred “Demolition Man,” which he has since used to refer to himself. I’m not really sure if it will stick, but if he really screws up, look for “Demolished Man” in a newspaper near you.

Hollywood marriages never last.

Someone always, always ends up having an affair “on location” with their new co-star.(I didn’t learn that from the city council, but I did learn it while at city council. Sometimes I like to read Us Weekly when it’s boring.)

If you cry long enough and loud enough, you will get your way. (The Case of Sweet Connie Hudson and her magic Senior Center)

Councilwoman Connie Hudson announced last week construction on her West Mobile Regional Senior Center will soon begin – finally. It only took her years of begging, pleading, arguing and crying, so my girl deserves some props.

The senior center, located near Hillcrest and Girby, will have a heated pool that can be used for physical therapy, water aerobics or as a storage facility for alien cocoons. According to Wilford Brimley, if the WeMo seniors swim in the pool while the cocoons are present, their youthful vigor will be restored and their Viagra prescriptions will no longer be necessary.

Mental picture for you (as an example because you need to know what will be going on in the WeMo Senior Center pool if aliens invade Mobile and store pods there): Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy making out in the shallow end (before they were dead). Bow chick-a-bow-wow-a-chick-a-bow-wow Sonny! (Now after.) Nooooooo!

The project will cost nearly $5 million and will be completed in about a year, barring any natural disasters or alien invasions.

You can do some amazing things with an ice cube.

(Other times I like to read Cosmopolitan. Note to Senior Center Management: Do not under any circumstances, put Cosmo in rec room when the alien cocoons are present.)

People surprise you every now and again.

I’m so simultaneously proud of and shocked by Ben Brooks right now. By the time you read this, the election will be over. You already know if Brooks was able to best Gary Tanner for the State Senate District 35 seat. But as I type this, I have no clue. Stop your gloating and construct a time machine and travel back to the Lagniappe offices on Thursday, Nov. 2 at 6:14 p.m. and let me know who won.

(Loud explosion. Smoke Fire.) Freddie D, is that you?

Oh my goodness! Councilman Fred Richardson just popped in and told me the winner. I always wondered why he wore two watches. Apparently at some point he learned to master space and time. Thanks for the info Freddie D! I like your time travel cape. It’s cute!

Even though Fred has let me in on the winner, I’m not going to tell you. Well, you already know, but it doesn’t have anything to do with why I am so pleased with Ben Brooks – that comes from his campaign, specifically the ad with Gary Tanner licking the nasty, green ice cream to indicate Tanner is a “double dipper.”

It makes me laugh every time the tongue comes slithering out of the little Gary head, with that horrible slurpy sound. It’s hilarious! I just never thought “Citizen” Ben Brooks would have approved such an ad. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great, and Tanner certainly had some attacking Brooks, but the Brookster I know and love is such a boy scout, I just wouldn’t have thought he would have ever gone for that.

Of course, Tanner might as well have said Ben Brooks was personally responsible for insurance companies screwing the residents of SoMo out of their Katrina money, so it probably wasn’t that difficult for Brooks to give the green light on Gary’s tongue (Yuck! I just got an image of Gary Tanner in the pool with Hume and Jessica. Don’t lick Miss Daisy’s head, Gary! No! Stop that!).

Laughter is the best medicine.

(And then other times I shake down old ladies for their Reader’s Digests when the agenda looks really, really lame. Trust me. A purse in the head – not pleasant. I may need to go take a dip in the pool with Gary, Hume and Jessica. Stop licking my head, Gary! Oh life in these United States!)

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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