By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

Recently, a Citronelle city councilman made a public pronouncement that he would like his city to embark upon a plan to become “less redneck.” He proposed such things as people keeping their yards up and also touted the city’s smoking ban as helping the cause. At first blush, it is a very bold goal to state publicly, especially considering the fact that rednecks often tend to be armed and drunk.

While I have no personal knowledge of Citronelle and wouldn’t dream of commenting on its relative “redneckness” – especially given the fact that most Citronellians (or Citronites?) are probably armed and drunk – I do think the idea of getting rid of rednecks – or at least their behavior – has merit. I haven’t heard Mobile Mayor Sam Jones pipe up about doing likewise in the Port City, but then again, I haven’t heard Mayor Jones say a thing since he took office. He appears to have political laryngitis.

Jones might be plotting some kind of Redneck Roundup or Re-education, but we won’t hear about it behind the new security doors he had installed outside his office. So I’m willing to concede the fact that our new administration may, in fact, be working on the redneck problem as you read this.

But I hope the city doesn’t just go around willy-nilly rounding up folks they suspect of being rednecks without first establishing some criteria for who is actually a redneck. After all, we wouldn’t want to just force thousands of “country folk,” “good ‘ol boys” or simple “hicks” to leave town by mistake. Who would work at Wal-Mart?

We only want to remove the hard-core rednecks who make life miserable for the rest of us. And just for the record, we need to stipulate that a redneck is someone who exhibits an astounding disregard for the following: common decency, the feelings of others, the rights of people, animals and plants, and socially acceptable levels of personal hygiene.

There are some easy-to-spot rednecks that wouldn’t require any sort of real expertise to identify. For instance, anyone who drives a vehicle with a sticker featuring a mischievous “Calvin” character urinating on anything – be it a Chevy or Ford logo or a NASCAR driver’s number – is undoubtably a redneck and should be forced to move out of town.

Without trying to sound too much like Jeff Foxworthy, you would definitely be a redneck if your kids and dogs are both riding in the bed of your pickup truck. Round ‘em up!

But it can get tougher from there.

There would probably be a great temptation to expunge all mullet-wearers from the city, but that hairstyle is not always the hallmark of a true redneck. Often harmless musicians and gentle lesbians will adopt the mullet. Were the city not careful with its purge, these harmless-but-mulletted individuals could be swept out with the chaff.

Growing up, I was often told the easiest way to tell the difference between a redneck and good ‘ol boy was that the good ‘ol boy would throw his beer cans into the back of his pickup, while the red would just hurl them onto the roadway. And that rule probably still applies, but rednecks are sometimes crafty enough not to litter in broad daylight. For that reason, it is important that we have a Redneck Litmus Test.

Government Deredneckification Engineers should first attempt to provoke anger in a suspected redneck. If the suspect is indeed red, this should be very easy. A true redneck can be provoked – and “provoked” is the proper term – quite easily. Mentions of certain football teams or NASCAR drivers “sucking” will usually do the trick. Once provoked, the true redneck should display one of the surest signs he is, in fact, a red – the “Circle Mouth.” First documented by the esteemed local observer of redneck behavior Kurt Wielkens, the “Circle Mouth” involves the provoked redneck literally forming his or her mouth into a tight, wrinkled circle in which the clenched teeth (or clenched gums in the case of a toothless red) are visible at the center. This usually indicates the redneck is primed for attack.

If officials still aren’t convinced they’re facing a bull redneck, they should listen for an accompanying barrage of profanity delivered in a high-pitched country twang. If the circle mouth and high-pitched cursing and threatening happen in rapid succession, there is a 99.9 percent chance that person is a redneck. The presence of a mullet, a can of Skoal Bandits, the aforementioned Calvin sticker or a Hank Williams Jr. tape (NOT CD) will remove that .1 percent of doubt.

But once Mobile’s rednecks are properly identified, what to do with them? “Kill them!” you might yell, a response that might land you on the wrong side of the redneck line. Suck and knee-jerk reaction is understandable, but a policy of liquidating members of the citizenry is not likely to earn Mobile a better reputation across the nation.

Removal or re-education is the most obvious answer.

Forcing rednecks to leave is only going to provoke them to anger, resulting in more circle-mouthed, profanity spewing. Tricking the reds out of town is the way to go. Mobile officials should consider erecting giant billboards outside other areas of southwest Alabama that will encourage our rednecks to move there. For instance, placing a sign outside Chunchula that says “Birthplace of Dale Ernhardt.” I know it’s not true, but it’s bound to bring rednecks swarming.

A sign outside of Wilmer bragging that town is “Lawn-mowing optional” also might lure some landscaping-averse reds to that area.

Of course, some rednecks will stay in Mobile despite any temptation dangled in front of them. For those, re-education is the key. Usually forced viewing of 48 consecutive hours of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” will move someone from “redneck” to “good ‘ol boy.” In some instances it might even move someone from “redneck” to “gentle lesbian,” but that’s an unusual transformation.

But if all else fails, we can forcibly bus them to Citronelle.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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