Mobile Magnified

Between dealing with rabid, former “American Idol” contestant Ace Young’s fans and jotting down all of the D and F list celebrities who have been spotted around town lately, I’ve been working overtime. Do you think they appreciate that here at the Lag-nuh-pipe? Hell no. But I know you do, my sweets, so it makes it all worth it.

High Rollers need to get a life

Apparently we ticked off some fans (who call themselves the High Rollers (barf!)) of former “American Idol” contestant Ace Young, when our Austin spy reported on all his “cheesy” activities at the “Idol” after-show at Antone’s back in September. I believe our spy went so far to say he was the “governor of the state of cheese.” Upon reviewing the evidence, we stand by that assessment.

Here’s a little sampling of some of the pathetic letters we received defending His Royal Cheesiness.

“I just read your article on Ace and you are so way off base about him that it isn’t even funny….(We disagree. We thought it was hilarious.)”

“How dare you write stuff about someone you don’t even know anything about. (It pays the bills, and it’s kind of fun.) You have no idea the type of person that he is and everything he does for the children’s hospital (God, I hope it’s not singing. Haven’t those children suffered enough?) Not to mention the way he goes out of his way to meet his fans and treat them with respect. How many other famous people would do that? I can tell you that Mr. American Idol Taylor Hicks doesn’t do it (he does to us)... He’s a very cold person (Is not!) and that’s probably who you like (Is to!) and why you wrote such BS (oh the language!) about Ace Young (untalented cheese).”

“I have had the pleasure of meeting him (untalented cheese) more than once and he is such an amazing person with such a big heart and believe you me I am not 13-years-old either (that is what makes this even more pathetic) going goo goo gaa gaa like you claim in your article. Ace is very talented (Is not!) and if you can’t see that or didn’t hear the people scream for him unlike anyone else (I think the spy reported more laughter at him than anyone else) then you are the one who is cheesy!!! (OK, but can we be gorgonzola?)”

Another High Roller wrote our spy was inaccurate in describing the cheesy heartbeat motion thingy he did. That particular spy is known for heavy drinking while on assignment, so we will let this fan set the record straight because clearly what he actually did was far less cheesy.

She wrote “(that our spy said) he did some sort of thing with his fist, where he was making this heart beat motion on his chest. Anyone that was at one of the concerts can clearly see his hands are down at his side when he does the chest beat to the rhythm of the song. It’s his chest only, not a machine or anything else.”

Thanks for clearing that up.

And still another wanted to make sure we knew how gracious Ace is, which I guess would somehow negate the cheese. But we would like to say we have never, ever, ever deuced on an angel.

“Ace has been referred to as “Saint Ace’, so shtting on him is like shtting on an angel. This is a man who started a charity (Highrollers with Heart) in the name of his fans for Pete’s sake (Perhaps he could be the Patron Saint of Swiss?). By the way, I’m neither a preteen or menopausal (I know. Again, that is why this is so very sad!).”

I could go on and on with these for days. They are all consistently hilarious and pathetic, but space does not allow. However, check them out a few more of our favorites in “Going Postal” (p. 4) and also on our Web site (www.lagniappemobile.com).

I, Boozie Beer Nues, would like to offer this apology to all you High Rollers on behalf of our Austin spies – I’m really, really sorry (to you and humanity) you don’t realize how cheesy Ace is.

Britney Spears looking on Ono

Thankfully, Louisiana’s finest swamp trash, Britney Spears, has finally kicked her talent-less, rapper wannabe, ultra-trashy, ultra-nasty husband, Kevin Federline, to the curb. Sorry, FedEx!We will say something nice about the K-Fed though – clearly his swimmers would be Olympic gold medalists. What is it – four or five kids now?

Anyway, since the split, the soon-to-be-former Mrs. Federline has been spotted in NYC, at home in Kentwood, La., and supposedly Las Vegas, according to our favorite celeb gossip site, www.perezhilton.com. If you haven’t been to this site, check it out. It’s so deliciously evil. Perez may very well be this local gossip columnist’s hero.

But anyway back to our local Britney report, an occasionally accurate Boozie spy reports that Ms. Spears (or someone on her behalf) has been looking at vacation property on the exclusive, private Baldwin County resort community, Ono Island, where she could have such “mega-star” neighbors as the guy who played Robocop and an Everly brother, who also own (or have owned) homes on the island.

Richard Tyson and Shark at Heroes

On the day of Richard Tyson’s appearance as “the estranged father” on “CSI:NY,” the Mobile native and actor was spotted lunching in Heroes with fellow actor and Fairhope native, David “Shark” Fralick, who is most famous for his role as Larry Wharton (a janitor who had run-ins with the law from time to time) on the CBS soap “The Young and the Restless.” (Hello, he was banging Jill Abbott on there for a while, people! Not everybody gets to bang Jill. Well, yes they do, oh well.)

Tyson is probably most famous for his role as the bad guy in “Kindergarten Cop,” also starring the Governator. However, Boozie remembers him most fondly for his role in “Two Moon Junction.” Though I don’t’ remember much about the plot, I do remember one moon, and it was nice and full. Hee hee! RRRRROOOWWW! You think I’m kidding. That movie sent my pre-pubescent hormone production into overdrive.

Anyway, steamy late ‘80s sex scenes aside, apparently The Shark and “Two Moon” Tyson were in town for the premiere of their film, “When I Find the Ocean” which was screened at Faulkner State Community College in Fairhope.

Remember what the L stands for

We hear that during the LPGA golf tournament last week that two of the “lady” golfers got into a physical altercation at WeMo pizza place Mellow Mushroom. No word on if any anchovies were injured.

Exams at Callaghan’s

Grayson Capps and the Stumpknockers were at Callaghan’s Sunday, Nov. 12 and as usual it was wild and nasty (in a good way – mostly).

The first big event of the evening came when one OGD resident knocked the giant tea machine over onto all of the pint glasses, breaking probably about 20 or 30 of them, which caused drink production to slow – damnit!

Then there was the redneck woman drama of the evening. Of course, as usual, there was dancin’ on the tables aplenty and our classy redneck lady decided to play proctologist by pretending to stick her finger up the butt of one man dancing on a table. She had no gloves on. And I didn’t see him cough. Yummy!

Transsexual stripper

We received an anonymous phone call last week from someone claiming there is a stripper in town who used to be a man. Allegedly after receiving a sex change operation in the Phillipines or Thailand or some other nefarious, sex change operating island nation, he returned to the Port City a she. Now apparently, “she” gives lap dances and kisses the men at her club, and they have no idea her weenie is on the inside now. Hey what they don’t know, can’t hurt ‘em!

Well kids, that’s all I got this time. Just remember, whether rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous, or just some plain ol’ Saint Ace lovin’, I will be there. Ciao!

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

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