By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

Inquiring minds around town are wondering what went down at Barton Academy Nov. 14 when the members of the Mobile County School Board went into executive session to allegedly discuss “someone’s good name and character.” After the secret session, the board came back and voted unanimously to tell Superintendent Harold Dodge to pack it in after one more year on the job.

The session has been shrouded in secrecy and speculation, especially since board member Hazel Fournier claimed the group didn’t even talk about Dodge in the meeting, leaving everyone to wonder whose good name and character were being discussed if not Dodge’s. Well, wonder no more. Fortunately for you, gentle readers, the Lagniappe Surveillance Van, or LSV, was parked just outside Barton and picked up the entire conversation using state-of-the-art equipment purchased at Radio Shack. Here is a transcript of the session:

(Door slams, or someone burps. Hard to tell.)

Judy Stout: Jeez, I’m glad to get out of there! All those people whining about keeping Dodge are making me sick! They need to get a life. (Mockingly) “Oh boo hoo, if we don’t keep Dr. Dodge my kid’s going to end up being a bigger moron than he already is, boo hoo!” What a pack of crybabies.

Hazel Fournier: Let’s cut him loose! Cut him loose, now! Mardi Gras is only a couple of months away and I want my free beads to throw. I’m not going down like a chump again this year, and I’m not buying my own throws. I’m too big a celebrity to have to pay for them!

Fleet Belle: Amen to that! It’s time for Dodge to pay for what he did to David Thomas. We can’t have a superintendent who throws us under the bus any time we make a little mistake with school money.

Stout: Easy gang, easy. We can’t just tell him to pack up his stuff tonight, all those crybabies outside will start whining about us mistreating the (audio appears to pick up the sound of Stout making air quotes with her fingers. This Radio Shack stuff is the bomb!) “Superintendent of the Year.” Let’s just stick to the plan and give him another year. That way he’ll take the job in Montgomery and will be out of our hair.

Lonnie Parsons: Ain’t we gonna look stupid and all gittin’ rid of the superwhatchacallit of the year, though?

Stout: (Sound of eyebrows furrowing in disgust) What do you care Lonnie, you’re out of here after tonight, back to being a political nobody. Just vote like the rest of us and shut up.

Fournier: And then we’ll all get our free Mardi Gras throws! I can’t wait! Wooooo, hoooooo!

Stout: Settle down Hazel, you’re going to throw your back out.

(Sounds of Fournier settling down.)

Bill Meredith: Just a minute, Judy. I’m not so sure I’m ready to back this little plan unless my daughter gets her promotion! (Collective groans, or Fleet Belle’s stomach growling. Difficult to tell.)

Fournier: Oh my goodness! We’re not going to go through this again, are we?

Meredith: Come on Hazel, you know this is just a payback! Now y’all won’t pass my daughter’s promotion, and it’s not fair. It’s just not fair!

Stout: Bill, I don’t see how your public complaining about the vote is any different than you voting on the issue. Better watch out or the ethics cops are going to be on your case, Billy Boy.

Meredith: Damn you’re cold, Judy.

Stout: (Sound of a wry smile crossing her face) Like ice, Bill.

Fournier: Hey, don’t we need to do some character assassination or something in here to make this executive session legal?

Stout: You’re right Hazel, I almost forgot. We need to discuss Dodge’s character and good name, just to make this all on the up-and-up. Who wants to start?

Parsons: I’ll go first. Harold ain’t too bad…

Stout: Next!

Belle: Well I think Dr. Dodge looks a little like Jerry Springer on “Dancing with the Stars.” And I don’t like Springer’s show, you know with all those transvestites and people fighting all the time, it’s against what the Good Lord teaches. That’s just no way for our school superintendent to carry on. It’s bad enough I’ve got to make sure our students aren’t reading filthy books, I don’t have time to worry about what kinds of trollops Dr. Dodge is putting on his TV show! It’s ridiculous! He’s not even a good dancer, either!

Stout: Good observation Fleet. I wouldn’t have thought of that. Hazel, do you have some disparaging comments?

Fournier: Well, I’m still so mad with him about the Mardi Gras throws. I’d just like to rear back with a big handful of beads and wop him right in his face for turning me in. He’s a sneaky snake and I don’t want a sneaky snake looking over my expense reimbursements. And Fleet’s right, he does look a bit like Jerry Springer.

Stout: Bill?

Meredith: You’re all a bunch of stinking double-crossers and you’re all against me!

Stout: Not exactly on point, Bill, but definitely derogatory. I’ll go next. I’m just glad to get rid of Dr. Dodge so it can be about children and not politics. Hopefully he’ll be on the first bus to Montgomery and we can get a superintendent who will stay out of the way and let us run things. Now let’s get back out there and take care of this so those whiners will go home and leave us alone!

(Sound of door slamming or Hazel Fournier clicking her heels. Hard to say.)

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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