By Ashley Toland Editor

Editor’s Note: This is part two of a guide on how to be an effective local Mobile politician. The first part was published in the last issue, Jan. 4, 2006, and focused on the formation of the Mobileus Politicalus Localus (MPL). If you missed the first part, go to the Web site at www.lagniappemobile.com and click on Commentary and then Hidden Agenda 1/4/06 to get caught up. This part focuses on the behavioral habits of the elected MPL.

Once elected, a metamorphosis occurs in the Mobileus Politcalus Localus. Eating, drinking and mating habits change, as do the defense mechanisms employed to ward off their natural predators, the media.

Nutritional Habits

MPLs (especially during a campaign) are much like the wild turkey during mating season, strutting around showing off their feathers to attract attention from people from whom they want something. You can often find them “in strut” at these local watering holes and restaurants.

Spot of Tea, 306 Dauphin St. Breakfast and Lunch. $

A favorite downtown breakfast and lunch spot frequented by Coucilpersons Clinton Johnson and Fred Richardson as well as County Commissioner Steve Nodine.

Nodine is prominently featured on the Spot’s Wall of Marginal Fame, along with such D-list celebrities as ‘70s comedian David Brenner, Bobcat Goldthwait of the “Police Academy” franchise fame and soap star/Fairhope native David “Shark” Fralick , who plays a convict-turned-janitor on “The Young and the Restless.”

Callaghan’s, 916 Charleston St. Lunch and Dinner. $

This place is a favorite of former Mayor Mike Dow, State Sen. Gary Tanner, District Two Councilman William Carroll, Police Chief Sam Cochran and School Board President David Thomas and Superintendent Harold Dodge.

Not sure if it’s the tasty burgers, the shuffleboard table or the proximity of the pub to many of the aforementioneds’ homes, but you can often find these carnivores gnashing into half pounds of cow, covered with strips of pig.

Other Favorite Restaurants: Café 219 219 Conti St. ($), Heroes 273 Dauphin St. ($), or Ruth’s Chris 271 Glenwood ($$$) . Bars: Rascals 2156 Costarides St.

Mating Habits

Most of the MPLs, like the penguin or the black-necked swan, have chosen mates for life, except Mayor Sam Jones and the commissioner who was appointed to take his place, Juan Chastang.

No one is sure why Sam is single. This columnist has pondered this aberration of the MPL species since he was elected. He’s now the most powerful man in town, fairly wealthy and even kind of handsome. The newest hypothesis formulated by this columnist is that he is madly and secretly in love with someone he will never be able to have; that he loves her tenderly from afar. Or maybe she’s sick and he has her locked in a room, and he cares for her each night, feeding her soup and lightly dabbing any that dribbles down her chin.

Or worse… maybe she is with someone else; someone who could never love her as much as he does. Maybe he has a wooden box under his bed full of old pictures and letters that he reads every night before he cries himself to sleep thinking of her, his poor wasted heart crumbling away. So romantic!

Now, Juan Chastang gives a whole new meaning to the words “bachelor pad.” And the new meaning he gives it is scary, Cracker Jack shack (heavy on the shack). At least his lady would feel safe and secure in his tiny castle as the front door is secured with a “bachelor pad-lock.” If he does actually live in this place, he will remain single forever, unless he finds a woman with a penchant for working with small things (not implying anything else here) and a love of roaches.

Relationship with the Media

Some MPLs view the reporter as an enemy, often waging passive aggressive attacks; some lavish the reporter with praise and try to befriend him; and still some simply run and hide.

Here are some examples:

Dow could be classified as a Media Friend, as he loved (or pretended) to love the media. Jones seems to only tolerate the inquisitive creatures, perhaps even feeling a bit of fear. He does not attack them, but simply steers clear, if possible, earning him the designation Media Gazelle. (Apparently the gazelle hides from its predators.)

Media Whore turned Media Predator

Steve Nodine is the example of how not to interact with the media, as he gradually has gone insane with his dealings with them. He used to really put the “Ham” in “Hammer,” (the nickname he gave himself), hamming it up for any rolling camera in a 100-mile radius, just as any guy who gave himself a nickname would. But in a recent interview with USA’s student newspaper, The Vanguard, the hamming has seemingly turned into a loss of touch with reality.

He describes Mobile Bay Monthly as a “liberal organization” that is an arm of Mobile Bay Watch who has “never agreed” with his policies.

First of all, MBM has nothing to do with Mobile Bay Watch and the reason he launched into them is because he was offended that their readers (not their editors) voted him “Wackiest Politician.”

Secondly, unless all those ladies who grace MBM’s pages modeling Mardi Gras gowns or showing off their new granite countertops are part of a left wing conspiracy to bring down the rural road and bridge commissioner, how could anyone could classify the lifestyle magazine as liberal? Ridiculous.

From all accounts heard from the media predators who “have been against him from the start,” and others who have dealt with him, he always claims he has been misquoted after he says something absurd or that gets his MPL assus in a crackus. This reaction has put him in a new classification, Media Predator.

Correction: Last issue, Ben Brooks was listed as graduating from Davidson High School. It should have read Theodore High School.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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