By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

The haggard figure of Mobile School Superintendent Harold Dodge lay sleeplessly in his bed. The clock struck midnight and he sat up feverishly shouting, “Who’s there? Show yourself!” But no one was there. Just the clock chiming. He closed his bloodshot eyes.

“Haaaaaarrrolllddd Dodggggge!” a ghostly voice echoed across his room. Dodge bolted upright, coming face-to-face with, well, a ghost. (What did you expect?)

“W-w-who the heck are you?” Dodge asked, peering through the darkness, and hoping it was just some drunk buddy from The Garage looking for a place to crash.

“I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come, Harrrroooolllllldddd!”

“Darn. I was afraid you were a ghost,” Dodge said. “Aren’t there supposed to be three of you?”

“Cuuuuuuuuttttbaccccks, Harry. Woooooooooo.”

“You’re a little late, too. Christmas was a week-and-a-half ago. And please knock off all that ghostly moaning. It’s giving me a headache.”

“No problem. Moaning makes me light-headed anyway. Yeah, I’m late because I spent the last week trying to show Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump what the world would be like without them.”

“Better?”

“Lots. Anyway, I got down here as soon as I could. You seem to know the drill. You ready to go?”

“I guess so. Take me where you will, ghost.”

“Um, not until you put some clothes on, Harold.”

“Oh sorry. I sleep in the nude. Here’s a bathrobe…. OK, let’s fly.”

With a wave of his hand, the specter and Dodge were suddenly standing outside Barton Academy. Inside, a lively meeting was taking place. They floated through the walls to get a closer look. Suddenly Dodge saw himself speaking to the school board. Only it wasn’t the current school board. Some of the old gang was there – Lonnie Parsons, David Thomas, of course Hazel Fournier was there. She’d been there since time began.

“This is a board from a much happier time, spirit,” Dodge said. “I could do no wrong. The school system was in total shambles when I arrived and everything was an improvement. Look at the happy faces of the school board members, well except Peggy Nikolakis. She was never happy. But they really liked me back then.

“Look at how they pass my budget without too much flak and allow capital improvement projects with ease. Ahhh spirit, I had almost forgotten this time of my youth that seems so long ago. This memory brings great warmth, which is good since this bathrobe’s a bit short.”

The spirit waved his hand again, and in an instant they were standing outside someone’s home. Dodge peered through the window and saw School Board President Judy Stout and members Fleet Belle and Fournier all sitting around toasting with cheap André champagne. Dodge was confused.

“What manner of madness is this, spirit?” he asked.

“This is the Christmas present, Harold. We are outside Judy Stout’s home as she, Fleet and Hazel eat from the fatted goose, or maybe that’s lasagna. I can’t really tell from here. Let’s float inside and check it out.

“A toast to getting rid of Harold Dodge!” Stout was saying as the three clinked glasses. “If we keep the pressure on him, he’ll be out in no time.”

“Making him give us a report any time he goes out of town was stroke of genius!” Fournier cackled, spewing bits of goose fat across the table where it landed on Belle’s bright green Christmas suit. “That’s should embarrass him good! Maybe we should also make him submit a written report and give him a grade on it. Har, har!”

“We’re running the show now, for sure! So long Mr. Dodge!” Bell said laughing and brushing goose fat off his suit with a bright red handkerchief.

“Spirit, take me away from this,” Dodge said sadly. “Show me no more!”

“Very well,” the ghost said, waiving his hand. Instantly they appeared outside the former QMS Building on Schillinger Road. Only now it was brightly lit and a sign proclaimed it the new headquarters of the Mobile County School System.

“This can’t be, spirit. We just made the deal to buy this albatross. How can it already be completed?” Dodge asked.

“This is the Christmas-Yet-to-Come part, dummy. We’re in the future. Stay with me here. We’re at a school board meeting three years hence. Let’s see what happens.” They float into the meeting room. Few citizens dare to make the lengthy trip to the new school HQ, so it is nearly empty.

A rumpled little man sits in front of the board fielding their questions. “Who’s that?” Dodge asks the spirit. “That’s the third new superintendent they’ve had since you left,” the ghost replies.

“Why so many, spirit?” Dodge asks.

“Watch and all will become clear.”

Dodge watched in amazement as the superintendent is forced to offer report after report, in excruciating detail, on virtually every decision he had made in the past week. At one point, Fournier begins berating him for buying the wrong kind of Mardi Gras beads for her to throw at the MAMGA parade. But Stout interrupts, and a verbal fracas between the board members ensues.

“What’s going on? They seem to hate each other now,” Dodge says.

“Yes, they all hate one another,” the spirit confirms. “As each has tried to grab power, so they have come to despise each other and become despised by the public. Not to mention what they’ve done to the schools….”

“Take me home, spirit,” Dodge said laughing. ” I’ve seen all I need to see.”

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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