Kudzu Queen

By Tamara Ducote

The next person that tells about their alien abduction ordeal is going to get slapped, I swear to Chewbacca. I’ve got serious slappage waiting right here, in my dominant hand. It’s itching, it’s ready, and the safety has been switched to “off.”

At Thanksgiving dinner, I brought up the subject of alien abduction. I mean, it was me and Sergei and a host of my old, boring relatives, sitting around with nothing to talk about. I only meant to start a lively dialogue. I hadn’t counted on Gran being a secret paranoid alien freak. But that’s what she chose to reveal.

“It’s a serious problem,” my grandmother said. “The aliens have been carrying off farmers’ cows.”

“For what? The milk?” I asked.

“No,” Grandma said. “Aliens don’t drink milk.”

“Not even baby aliens?” I queried. “What, are they all lactose intolerant? If so, why don’t they abduct soy bean plants?”

“For your information, Miss Smarty Pants,” Grandma snapped. “They take the cows in order to mutilate the animals’ genitals.”

I aborted the smile that wanted very badly to be born, but not quickly enough.

“Surely,” Grandma said grimly, “Not even you are twisted enough to find mutilated cow genitals amusing.”

“No, Ma’am,” I said. “In fact, I can’t think of a single joke which has mutilated cow genitals for the punch line. Not one.”

Grandma fixed me with a gimlet glare, and I decided to go outside with my fellow smokers.

“Hey, Grandma says the aliens are mutilating cows’ private parts,” I announced to Aunt Cindy and Uncle Dennis. “What does it mean?”

“It means your Gran’s been reading the tabloids again,” said Aunt Cindy, between puffs.

Dinner was scrumptious. Grandma Food always is. After three mondo helpings of everything, Gran offered up homemade desserts. I decided to get back at her for glaring steel at me earlier.

“I couldn’t possibly eat any pie,” I said. “Not after hearing somebody talk about cows’ private parts at the table. I’ve lost my appetite.” I affected a dainty shudder.

I bought this magazine, “Skeptic,” purely because it had an article about alien abductions in it. And I learned this: 55 percent of the people abducted by aliens are homosexual or bisexual. I’m hetero, so the odds are against me from the get-go. I want very badly to be abducted by aliens, but right now I’ve actually got this very cool boyfriend and I don’t want to mess things up with our relationship by dabbling in other sexual preferences.

The magazine article led me to wonder this: If the aliens prefer gay and/or bi folks, how do they know? I mean, if the aliens are inspecting us closely enough to know our sexual preferences, do they really need to abduct us and probe our private parts? Isn’t that redundant?

Do the aliens abduct predominantly gay or bi cows, also, or does this statistic only hold true for humans?

I’ve never seen an openly gay cow. Perhaps cows operate under a don’t ask/don’t moo policy. Heck, if it works for the bovines, I’ve got no problem with it.

I have several friends who claim to have been abducted by aliens. Honest to God. And these are intelligent, functional people. A convivial group of us was sitting around one evening in the fellowship room at church, casually chatting about this and that, when the subject of alien abduction came up (Actually, I brought it up. I cannot stop myself. I am a woman obsessed. I bring the subject up at baby showers, bus stops, faculty meetings and my dentist’s office.). As it turned out, I am the only one who has NOT been abducted by aliens. WTF?

I am feeling very left out. What in the hell is the matter with me, that the aliens won’t beam me up and do unpleasant invasive experiments on me? I mean, if they’ll do Sandra, who is my good friend but also the worst skank Theodore (a region famous for Skankdom) ever produced, why won’t they do me? If they’ll do Jerald, who hasn’t bathed since the Mobile school board allowed people to speak openly at their meetings, what possible offense could the aliens take to me, a person who bathes semi-regularly?

I began to get a complex about the whole issue, as I am wont to do. Give me an issue, any issue, and I can work up a complex about it.

This magazine, “Skeptic,” also reported that most alien abductees are mentally ill. If this is the case, how in the hell have I been overlooked? Whatever alien is in charge of compiling the abductee list is evidently asleep at the wheel. When this alien CEO is busted, he’ll probably bleat the same lame excuse the earthly Authority Figures bleat when they are caught: “I didn’t know what in the Sam Hill was going on. I had no idea what my company/college/alien nation was doing. I’m a damn idiot.”

Enron, Bishop State, alien civilizations. Same old sorry excuses, all. I’m tired of it. Listen up, humanoids AND alien life forms: Either you’re in charge, or you’re not. If you’re in charge, and getting all the pay and perks that go with that, then you’re responsible for what happens in your company/college/alien civilization. If you truly didn’t have a clue about what was going on, then please refund your salary for the time you pretended like you did.

Either you knew what was going on, and need to resign with what little dignity is available to you, or else you’re a blooming idiot, and need to refund taxpayers’ (I’m assuming aliens pay taxes, too.) money for paying you to be competent. Which you admit you weren’t. And I expect a full apology to the cows, for the state of their genitals.

Contact Tamara Ducote at TDDucote6@aol.com.

Archives