By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

While it has its roots firmly entrenched in ancient mythology, I think it was that damned Andrew Lloyd Weber who re-perpetuated the myth that cats are smart. I’ll take the creator of Mr. Bustopher Jones to task here shortly, but this “cats are smart” thing started way before his time.

The ancient Egyptians, for one, had kitty on the brain. This earliest of civilizations was cat crazy and if they would have had enough papyrus laying around, I’m sure they would have been publishing an ancient times Cat Fancy magazine. The Egyptian sun god Ra was supposed to take the form of a cat or lion after sun set and stalk the earth attacking his enemies, which was probably a nice bedtime story for an ancient culture that lost a substantial portion of its population to being drug out of their mud huts by hungry lions.

The ancient Egyptians also had a cat god named Bast whose form was that of a domestic cat and was the protector of all domestic cats. The worshippers of this god were so into it that if someone killed a cat even accidentally they put the person to death.

The followers of Bast also believed that cats were the epitome of beauty, which led the women of the Nile to use eye make up to make their eyes look cat-like and thousands of years later caused Susanna Hoffs of the Bangles to put some mascara triangles on the outside of her eyes for the video of that heart warming ode to the pyramid builders “Walk Like an Egyptian.” They also used statues of the cat-like beast Sphinx to guard temples and crypts. To anyone who has ever seen a guard cat on duty, there really isn’t any surprise that the majority of Egyptian artifacts were stolen under her watchful eyes.

The North Africans weren’t the only cat fanciers of history, for sure. The Norse god Freyja had her chariot drawn by a pair of kitty-kitties, which I’m sure struck fear into the hearts of her battle-axe-wielding Norse god adversaries. Many other cultures from Asia Minor through the Orient had cat fetishes, but they have all gone the way of yesterday’s litter box leavings except for one in the Far East where the worship of Hello Kitty is still firmly entrenched. With stickers, backpacks, cell phones and T-shirts bearing the likeness of this deity, the people of Japan continue to honor the feline gods of the past. I have bad news for those folks as well. Even Hello Kitty, with all her fans and merchandise, is still stupid.

I know there are many of you reading this right now who discount my rant as the opinion of some dog-crazy, anti-cat pontificator, but you would be wrong. While I don’t have a current subscription to Cat Fancy, Cats and Kittens or Your Cat magazine, I do like cats. I just think they are dumb. To illustrate my point, as I write this treatise on cat stupidity, my cat is rubbing on my leg and purring.

Now back to Mr. Weber. Back in the ‘30s T.S. Eliot wrote “Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats.” It was nice flight of fancy about smart, human-like cats. People probably read it and moved on with their lives without a second thought. The problem with Eliot’s book is that years later it got in the hands of composer Andrew Lloyd Weber who thought it would be good if he brought those cat characters to life and made them sing and dance.

At that point it was all over but the meowing. A generation of musical fans now thought that inside their tabby or Persian there was an Old Deuteronomy or Grizabella just waiting to express wisdom and emotion.

The looks that people often take as wisdom or knowing in cats can be translated most accurately as “duuuuhh” and “me make stinky in sand box.” I’ve had cats all my life, I was born into a house with a cat and probably will die with one gnawing on my ear and I’m quite sure the dumbest dog would place in the 90th percentile on the cat IQ chart.

People that argue this point with me say cats are un-trainable because they are too smart and above taking commands from anyone. I maintain they are just dumb. Running to the sound of a can opener and meowing to go out are the Alpha and Omega of the cat-learning world.

For example the Mrs. and I had a Christmas party and for one night moved the cats’ food and water from the laundry room bathroom to our bedroom to prepare that bathroom for guests. To this date over a month later the cat stands and cries in our bedroom, where the food was for one night, waiting to be fed. We will take the cat from the bedroom back to the laundry room bathroom show her the food and she will eat and the next day she will once again stand in our room at the spot and cry to be fed. This has been going on for five weeks, yeah I got your feline wisdom right here!

So enjoy your cat for what it is. If you don’t have one, go to the shelter and adopt one. They are great pets, but just keep in mind they aren’t going to sing and dance and they are going to make your collie/lab mix look like Einstein.

Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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