Mobile Magnified

Maybe it’s the time of year. After all, the decent into Mardi Gras has officially begun, so maybe folks are getting nuts already, but this is too much! Someone in this community has lost his damn mind! Really. Pooping outside a judge’s chambers, of all places! Really. I know some folks are used to spending the Mardi Gras holidays in the care of the Mobile Metro jailers, but that’s one of the most sure-fire ways I’ve ever heard of making sure your stay might last through St. Patty’s Day.

Oh well, at least we’ve got some semi-normal gossip from our Senior Bowl guests as well to even things out. Read on, gentle reader and please understand Boozie does not condone any type of public pooping. Yuck!

The Mad Pooper Attacks!

My Courthouse Spy brought it to my attention recently that some of the pre-Lenten insanity has already permeated the building’s marble halls. (Actually, I’m not sure if they’re marble, but if they’re not, they should be. No one should be arraigned without being surrounded by marble. It makes such a nice echo when the judge bangs the gavel. Maybe I should get back onto the subject at hand.)

Anyway, our legal spy tells us the Mobile County Circuit Judges recently had coded locks installed on the doors leading to their offices and there were two rather bizarre reasons for that happening.

Apparently, one of Judge James Wood’s assistants encountered a criminal in the judge’s office recently. The man had just been released from jail after serving a sentence imposed by Judge Wood. Apparently the newly reformed criminal wanted to have a discussion with the judge about the severity of his term. Rightfully startled, the assistant called security, and the man left without incident.

But the more disturbing reason for the heightened security at Government Plaza appears to be bowel-related. Our spy says Judge Rick Stout recently discovered a little steamy surprise outside of his office on the eighth floor. Apparently, someone thought they might offer a commentary on the judge’s work and pooped outside his door.

DNA tests are being conducted to determine the source. (Boozie is VERY glad she didn’t go into the DNA collection field, if THAT’S what is required!) Government Plaza security forces are on the alert for a repeat performance by this mad crapper, and warn he is still at large. Please be aware, he is armed and flatulent. He was last seen at the corner of S. Intestine Street and Sphincter Place dropping his kids off at the pool. Let’s hope he hasn’t escaped on the Red Eye to Jackson Hole.

OK, enough of that. I feel dirty, and not in a good way.

Senior Sightings

After all of that nastiness, it’s probably hard to remember that Senior Bowl was last weekend, and that always means lots of beefy, chewy, thick-necked football coaches, owners and scouts scurrying all over town. It’s always been Boozie’s fondest dream to land one of those big, wealthy coaches to take me away from all of this. It sounds good to me until I start thinking about him blowing his whistle at dinnertime or having a bunch of children who look like Mike Ditka.

Maybe if they looked like that dreamy Tampa Bay Bucs Coach John Gruden, I could put up with the whistle and the cleats and those horrible coaches shorts that send shivers down my spine.

Anyway, some of the footballers spotted this past week included Jacksonville Jaguars head coach Jack DelRio and assistant coach Afredo Roberts, who hit the OGD pub Callaghan’s, as did Broncos head coach Mike Shannahan and Auburn and USC head coaches Tommy Tuberville and Pete Carroll.

Though we hear the best to place to catch them was working out at the Downtown YMCA at 6 a.m. How exciting! Not!

As usual, the after-game party was the best show, as Callaghan’s again ruled for post-football partying. Phil and Waylon entertained the well-oiled crowd until well after most NFL types had probably climbed aboard their private jets and headed off into the night.

Herricanes coming back

Speaking of professional football, it seems the Mobile Herricanes all-female pigskin team is set to play its inaugural season this spring. The team was set to go a couple of years ago, when, believe it or not, the Herricanes were put out of commission by a hurricane. Ivan ruined their plans and Katrina didn’t help, but those days are over.

The Herricanes are even going to get a little boost from the Mobile BayBears. I can’t wait to see those gals get out there and knock some heads.

New Vision for Red’s

Girl Power is also on display on Dauphin Street. Apparently Red’s bar has been sold to alt lifestyle bar Vision’s, whose Conti Street lease was not renewed to make room for even more condominiums. Drew Walch sold the bar to the gals after owning it for a few years.

Old-siris

The Osiris ball on Saturday, Jan. 20, brought out the creme de le creme of gays, lesbians and cool straights. This is due in part to them having the most “fag-ulous” tableaux in town. However, my most trusted Fruit Loop spies said they noticed more “old queens and lesbians” than usual. I’m not sure what the usual level is, but hey, time does march on and one day you realize it’s marching right across even the most well moisturized faces. I’m told Gabriel’s courtyard was the post fete place to be, and it was raging still at 4 a.m.

Boy from Skibbereen returns

Boozie was delighted to receive a letter the other day announcing the forthcoming second album by Press-Register reporter Mark Kent. Mark covers local features and also writes the “Stars Over Alabama” feature. He’s also quite a musician.

Anyway, Mark’s first album, “The Boy From Skibbereen” was such a success, he’s putting out number two, “The Fisherman’s Patience.” Can’t wait to hear it.

Well, that’s all I got this time kids. Just remember, whether it’s rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous or just some plain ol’ boring NFL coach lovin’, I will be there. Ciao!

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

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