By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

OK, besides forcing David Thomas and Fred “Hollywood” Barkley to star in a reality show where they have to share a house and a telephone, what’s the best way we could improve our little piece of Heaven? (Don’t tell me you don’t think the DT/Hollywood pairing wouldn’t be magic. Thomas would constantly be on the phone with Samantha Ingram, Hollywood would want to use it to call 90-year-old women and little boys, and they could take turns bailing each other out of jail. But I digress.)

So besides more hi-jinx from our favorite miscreants, what do we need? More Starbucks? A year ago, I would have said yes, but considering the fact that there are now more Starbucks in Springhill than BMWs, I think we’ve got that covered. Garbage pickup that actually happens? Absolutely, but it’s not sexy enough to put us on the map. “Mobile – We Might Pick Your Garbage Up On Time.” Not a slogan that really attracts new residents.

Finally, the answer hit me. We need more Wal-Marts. Specifically, we need to improve on our Wal-Mart density.

I know the battle has been raging over putting another Wal-Mart Supercenter on Airport Boulevard west of Hillcrest Road, as a few naysayers are trying to ruin discount shopping for everyone else in that area. But even as they struggle to improve their discount shopping density in an already-discount-rich part of town, maybe it’s time to think about those of us who are have-nots.

The folks out in WeMo know what it’s like to be more than a couple of miles from a Wal-Mart – brutal. Once they get the new Supercenter, they’ll no longer have to drive four or five miles to discount shop for groceries, furniture, glue guns, dentures, eye exams, etc. Can you imagine the hardships they’ve endured these many years having to drive either to Schillinger Road or to the Beltline to enjoy true discount shopping? It’s practically like living in some crappy Third World country for those poor people.

Well, if you live in my neck of the woods, it’s even worse. We’re like some crappy Fourth World Country, if that even exists. Our nearest Wal-Mart is like a million miles away, all the way out at I-65. Sometimes when I walk through my neighborhood between the mounds of trash the city failed to pick up again this week, I can see the sullen looks on my neighbors’ faces. I can tell they long to have a Wal-Mart – actually they long for a Super Wal-Mart, not one of those wussy regular Wal-Marts – so close they can smell the senior citizens making $5.15 an hour greeting shoppers.

You see, once the WeMo Wal-Mart goes up, we poor saps in or around downtown Mobile, will be the farthest away from true discount shopping of any people in Mobile, Daphne or Fairhope. We will practically be like shopping nomads, forced to wander into locally owned stores and speak with their owners. Ugh! Can you imagine how terrible it is for us to have to do that?

It’s so far to drive right now, most of us can’t afford to take full advantage of Wal-Mart’s tremendous discounts. For instance, I haven’t shopped at Wal-Mart in years, but it’s not because I find the experience repugnant and believe the company is a predatory beast sucking the life and individuality out of American cities. It’s just that I don’t like the drive, and even in the fuel-efficient Moon Buggy, I worry about the gasoline costs. But man if they put one up in my neighborhood, I’d be over there every day buying all the Sam’s Choice products I could afford. (And I could afford a lot because they’re so darn cheap!) Although, I probably wouldn’t buy Old Roy dog food, because it gives the mutts diarrea. Damn snobby dogs!

It seems like most of my adult life has been spent living ridiculously far away from a Wal-Mart, Super Wal-Mart, Sam’s Club or any of the other variety of Arkansas-based discount stores owned by the world’s richest people who aren’t emirs of an oil-bearing nation.

Get this. When I lived in Washington, DC, they didn’t even have one in the entire city! Really! You had to drive out about 20 miles outside of town into some hillbilly encampment to save money. Thank God they had an Olive Garden out there, because those were in short supply as well in our nation’s capital.

It’s probably hard to imagine anything more un-American than our capital city not having a Wal-Mart. But hey, it’s Washington, home of the $700 lug wrench. Of course they don’t care about the kinds of savings Wal-Mart brings.

I know if Wally World started talking about setting up shop under the oaks on Government Street near Bienville Square, people would get all crazy and worry about how it would kill off all our little independent stores that give our town character, etc. But just think what it would mean to those of us trapped in the 04, 05 and 02 zip codes. Not to mention, it would give the homeless a great new place to congregate.

What would be really great is to have the bottom floor of the new RSA Tower turned into a Super Wal-Mart. Wouldn’t that be great? Visitors to the Battle House would certainly appreciate not having to wander around to unfamiliar shops where they might have to buy something they’ve never seen before. And local residents would love the convenience, although some historic structures might have to be knocked down to create a 200-acre parking lot. But that seems like a small price to pay to get the city’s Wal-Mart density right.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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