By Ashley Toland Editor

The following is a phone conversation recorded between girlfriends, New Orleans and Mobile. The two have shared a lifelong friendship and discuss everything from public policy to the men in their lives, Mardi Gras, hurricanes and as in this call – their kids.

Mobile: Hello.

NOLA: Hey girl. Congratulations! How are you feeling?

Mobile: Great. The labor was not bad at all on this one.

NOLA: Were you able to have him naturally?

Mobile: No, I had to have a special election, but it was virtually painless. I didn’t even have to have a run-off.

NOLA: That’s good. All 10 fingers and toes?

Mobile: Yep. Yep.

NOLA: How much did he weigh?

Mobile: I think about 180 lbs.

NOLA: Yikes! Of course, I’m sure after having William Carroll, this probably seems like nothing. How long was he?

Mobile: I don’t’ think they measured him, but I think probably about 70 inches, give or take a few.

NOLA: That’s a good-sized councilman. Especially for District Four.

Mobile: I think so too.

NOLA: What are ya’ll going to call him?

Mobile: John C. Williams.

NOLA: That’s pretty, very classic. What’s the C for?

Mobile: I don’t know yet. I want to see what his personality is like first. It could be Clever, Courageous, Crazy, Corny, Callous, Comical, Calculating, Coy, Crabby, Creamy.

NOLA: Creamy?

Mobile: Well, probably not Creamy, but I just like the sound of John Creamy Williams.

NOLA: Now, I see why all of your children hate you. Are you going to nurse him?

Mobile: Of course. I just bought this sassy new maternity bra too. It’s black leather. Rrroooww. Sammy’s going to love it!

NOLA: I bet he is just on cloud nine with this new one?

Mobile: Well, I think he really had his heart set on a Democrat, but I’m hopeful he’ll love him as much as the others. It may just take some time.

NOLA: Oh I’m sure he will. How are things going between you two?

Mobile: They’re good. He’s been working on getting a $3 billion steel plant for me. Just in time for Valentine’s Day. I mean I would’ve preferred a diamond mine or a chocolate factory, but I’m not complaining. I mean it’s like 2,700 jobs. Nothing says “I love you” more than that, right? How’s Ray?

NOLA: Oh, you know, my citizens don’t think he’s doing enough about the increasing level of crime, but he’s still my little Nagie-Nuggie Poo.

Mobile: Nagie-Nuggie Poo? OK. I think I’m going to throw up in my Bay now.

NOLA: What? I love his shiny, little bald-headed self. Maybe I’ll get some black leather lingerie for him too. I think there’s a store in the Quarter.

Mobile: Stop, please. Gross. Anyway, so are ya’ll ready to the celebrate the country’s second oldest Mardi Gras?

NOLA: Ha ha. I think we’re ready to celebrate the only Mardi Gras the country cares about. I mean really, Mobie, how many people do you hear saying, “Honey, let’s go to Mobile, Alabama’s Mardi Gras instead of New Orleans this year?” Please.

Mobile: I’m sure after they get murdered, they’ll be singing a different tune.

NOLA: That’s a low blow, bitch.

Mobile: Hey, you’re the one who said your citizens were all concerned about crime. I mean, didn’t ya’ll have like nine murders in the first week of the year?

NOLA: We’re working on it. You’re just jealous that my Mardi Gras is better.

Mobile: You wouldn’t even have parades if it weren’t for me, skank. You do remember we introduced that tradition to you, right?

NOLA: Funny. I don’t really recall that.

Mobile: How convenient.

NOLA: Look, let’s not have this discussion for the three jillionth time.

Mobile: Fine.

(The sound of a councilman crying in the background.)

Mobile: Look. I’ve got to run. John C is crying about one of his residents who is already complaining to him about all of the litter in his district and I need to change his diaper anyway. You know I really didn’t mean any of that stuff about your Mardi Gras. You know I love you, girl.

NOLA: Me either. I love you, too. Ya’ll have a good Mardi Gras, and we’ll try to get over to see the new addition soon.

Mobile: OK. Talk to you soon.

NOLA: OK, bye.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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