Mobile Magnified

Okay, so maybe I didn’t break the big Brangelina baby news. Just for the record though, I would like to mention that although I didn’t actually know Angelina Jolie was pregnant, I could have told you months ago that she and Brad Pitt were doing what you need to do to make a baby. Who needs boring gossip about babies anyway? I’ve got what you really want, like a story of a Prichard meth bust gone wrong and a little barroom up-chuck tale for good measure. It’s all here, so read on!

A little lube’ll do ya’

One of my Prichard cop buddies told me a great story last week, but I’m going to have to clean it up a bit for all my gentle readers. I’ll try to put this as delicately as I can. It seems some of Prichard’s finest went up to Eight Mile a couple of weeks ago to arrest someone they suspected of making and trafficking meth out of their lovely trailer. So the cops show up and beat on the door, which they soon break down. They rush into the house and find their suspect lying buck naked on the couch with the JCPenney catalog, open to the lingerie section and let’s just say he was taking care of business, so to speak.

Here’s where it gets even stranger. So the guy on the couch is obviously stunned to find half of Prichard’s police department standing in his trailer and probably even more shocked that they caught him in a very compromising position. He jumps up, knocking what was described to me as the largest can of Vaseline the cop had ever seen off the coffee table and, how should I put this, an adult toy “pops out” and lands on the floor.

That’s as descriptive as I’m being, so just use your imagination. Anyway, the cops were obviously pretty shocked, but went on about their business of cuffing Mr. Naked and continued on with their search of the trailer. I was told that cuffing someone covered in Vaseline is pretty difficult.

New digs

There seems to be a lot of remodeling going on in that area of LoDa. Boo Radley’s will soon look a little different, with crews working to refinish the bar and putting in another bar along the wall to replace the tables that had previously been there.

Do-gooders in town

Last week a group of 20 kids from Boston College were spotted out and about all over LoDa. The group spent their winter break along the Mississippi Gulf Coast helping clean-up and rebuild after Hurricane Katrina. When several regulars in Heroes heard about the group’s efforts and found out that they had financed their own way, they offered to buy the group’s dinner and a round of drinks for those old enough to partake in some adult refreshment.

Although the three or four kids old enough to drink did take one guy up on his drink offer, the group would not let another regular buy their food because they said since they had been in Mobile people all over town had been buying them food and drinks at every restaurant and bar. Not only did they end up paying for their own food, but I also heard they left their waitress over a 50 percent tip. See, not all Yankees are bad!

Big balls bring it

A little birdie told me that several of the Mardi Gras organizations have some pretty great entertainment lined up for their upcoming balls. I’ve heard the Mystics of Time ball should be extra funky this year with “Super T” performing during the organization’s annual fete at the Civic Center. I’ve heard tickets are in even higher demand, with many ballgoers looking forward to reliving their college days with Tyrone and the band. I can’t wait to report back on all his onstage antics including his trademark tights and superman cape.

I also heard Delbert McClinton will be appearing at the Krewe de Bienville ball with proceeds from the ball going to benefit Hurricane Katrina victims.

You’ve got a little something on your…

Although the grossest item of the week award would most certainly go to the poor guy minding his own, albeit nasty, business in Eight Mile, an honorable mention should certainly be awarded to the poor kid I saw in Monsoon’s two Fridays ago. Immediately upon entering the bar, my spies and I noticed this poor specimen half-way lying his head on the bar and half hanging off with that very obvious, I’m-about-to-puke look on his face. No sooner had we gotten a drink, standing what we thought was a safe distance away, than he threw up in the most violent episode I have seen since “The Exorcist.”

His friends immediately dragged him out of the bar, leaving behind a gross mess on the barroom floor — and that’s saying a lot. The poor bartender proceeded to try and clean up the floor, but not before at least three or four unsuspecting girls tramped right through the puke in their cute little shoes. Just as the bartender was getting good and disgusted with his task, one of the vomier’s friends came back into the bar to apologize for his buddy’s little accident. When he started telling the bartender how sorry he was, the bartender responded by asking, “Just how sorry are you?” and handed him the mop. You know he caught serious hell from his friends the next day.

Inspector Boozie

I have head numerous reports that one LoDa bartender is scamming customers, with tales of tab padding and then adding tips to signed and totaled-out credit card receipts. The stories all go something like this:

Unsuspecting Customer: Hey, can I close out my tab?

Thieving Bartenderess: Yeah, It will be $30.

Unsuspecting Customer: $30? But I only had two beers.

Thieving Bartenderess: No. You bought those girls shots over there.

Unsuspecting Customer: No, I don’t even know who they are. I’ve only had two beers.

Thieving Bartenderess: Hey, you’re drunk. I’m not. Do you want me to call my doorman over here?

Big Intimidating Doorman comes over. Customer leaves, but calls and reports it to credit card company. Same Thieving Bartenderess overhead another night bragging how she buys her friends shots by putting it on the tabs of people she doesn’t like or thinks will be too drunk to realize it.

And still another horror story about same bar and same Thieving ‘Tenderess. A dorky spy of ours who likes to go out and have a good time, but is very anal about keeping up with his check card receipts, noticed when he received his bank statement that the $21.50 he had signed for one Friday night magically turned into $71.50 ($50 more dollars!!!!) and the very next night an extra $12 was added to the total he already tipped on and totaled out on the receipt.

I’m sure the Thieving ‘Tenderess justifies this to her thieving self that these people are drunk a-holes who deserve it, but I don’t think the authorities will feel the same way.

Until this thief is removed from behind the bar and put behind bars of a different sort, I suggest if you don’t know your bartender, make sure to use cash

That’s all for this week. Remember, whether it’s scandalous, dramatic or just some good ol’ fun with Vaseline, I’ll be there. Ciao!

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

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