By Ashley Toland Editor

I’m growing a handlebar mustache and changing my name to Gene Shalit. I’m killing Roeper, conjuring up Siskel and thumb wrestling with Ebert. That’s right, kids. This week we’re heading to the movies. No, it’s not to watch some nymphomaniac chick get handcuffed to a radiator or scantily clad Spartans running around.

No, we’re simply going to visit our fair city’s Web site (www.cityofmobile.org) to watch online videos allegedly designed to attract residents and businesses to move here. So kinkily throw some butter on your Orville and fire up the Mac. Then just click on the movie ticket on the bottom right side of the city’s main page and get ready to laugh, to cry and to be somewhat frightened and confused.

The film’s “Welcome” begins with an inadvertent homage to Jan de Bont’s Cow-slinging flick “Twister,” as some sort of terrifying graphic resembling a tornado appears to be hitting The Port City. The “director” (some guy from New York) cleverly keeps us calm though by overlaying hokey elevator music while the twister is approaching.

Some of you may argue this was just a shadow on the screen – some cheesy Power Point effect or something. But I think not. That is the effect’s genius, as we’re now nervous and frightened about what will happen next, which turns out to be quite apropos. Quite apropos indeed, Siskel, as the conclusion of “Welcome” is quite terrifying (for our city).

So after the possible tornado hit, silver screen newcomer Sam Jones gives a fairly convincing performance as a mayor who invites you to come “live, work and an play” in his beautiful, historic city. Though believable, Jones’ offering is immediately invalidated by some New York wiener who fails miserably playing one of us. (I’m certain he had to be coached on how to say Mo-beel, as every time he says it you can tell he has to think about it.) He provides the following voice-over:

” Mobile is a coastal town on the southern tip of Alabama. About two-and-a-half hours from New Orleans and within a day’s drive of Houston, we are located on the juncture of Interstates 10 and 65. We have our own airport with daily passenger service and Greyhound stops here (Thank God!). So no matter where you need to go, you can get there from here.”

I’m not sure it was a great choice to open a film that is supposed to be about how wonderful Mobile is with how easy it is to get out of it. That’s just Bull-Shalit!

The next portion of the “film,” showcases our fine educational system, including UMS Wright Preparatory School, which The Voice-over Wiener pronounces “Pre-PEAR-a-tory and our many wonderful public schools, whose superintendent was recently named “Superintendent of the Year.’” Oh you mean, the one the embarrassing school board just ran off? Yes, that’s the one! Super! That’s great!

Another highlight of the video is the “healthcare and senior living” portion. This touts our five general hospitals, public and private mental health facilities, Mobile Infirmary’s renowned cardiac care center, USA’s burn and wound center and an abundance of nursing homes and assisted living facilities. Too bad for Roeper I didn’t kill him here, he may have had a fighting chance.

The Shopping and Dining Guide was shot interestingly as well. The Voice-over Weiner Man starts out by saying “Mobile is a shopper’s paradise,” and then I’ll just say it provides some interesting examples of our shopping Garden of Eden, including a baby clothing consignment store. Now I’m sure it’s a lovely store, but I don’t think used baby clothing exactly constitutes a “shopper’s paradise.”

The dining also does not disappoint. Apparently we have “the best seafood in the world,” a statement which I feel certain is true as we do serve the best seafood from all over the world – including the Asian catfish and the Emperor fish, which I believe also hails from the Asian continent and I’m sure as soon as Channel Five finishes DNA testing the rest of our cuisine, we will be able to expand on this.

And maybe the audio and video were just mismatched on my computer, but The Voice-over Weiner invites everyone to try one of our five-star, fine dining establishments and then it shows a picture of the Dew Drop Inn. Now God knows, I love the Dew Drop as much as anyone, but five-star fine dining establishment? They serve pink wieners, Mr. Voice-over Weiner Man. Boy, I’m sure that must make us look progressive.

There are parts of the video that thankfully showcase the bay, the beaches, golf courses, cruise terminal and Battleship, but for the most part all I really got out of this video is Mobile is a city that is easy to escape from and is an excellent place to be sick or crazy, to have a heart attack in or a wound that won’t heal, and/or to light yourself on fire or die in, buy gently used baby clothes and dine in five-star restaurants that serve chili dogs.

Thumbs down on this one, Ebert!

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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