By Ashley Toland Editor

If it hadn’t been for the defecating prostitutes, I feel certain I would have fallen into a coma at the May 1 city council meeting. I mean it’s not like these meetings are thrill rides in the first place. They grant liquor licenses, fund drainage projects and declare weeds noxious. The most you can hope for beyond that is that the councilors get their underoos in a wad about something and yell at each other.

Last Tuesday, the council skivvies all seemed to be delightfully un-wadded (or maybe they just weren’t wearing any- rrrooowww!), though I can’t really say the same for the residents of the Church Street East historic district, whose collective panties were in a bunch because they felt local developer John Peebles sullied up their downtown ‘hood with a tacky wooden balcony.

This is the deal in a peanut shell- Peebles renovated a building at 805 Church St. For years it was an appliance parts and supply company. He got approval from the Architectural Review Board to turn the front of it into apartments and keep the back a warehouse. He also got permission to put a metal balcony on the front of it, along with some other cosmetic changes.

Construction costs went up; he decided to put a wooden balcony on it instead, and didn’t go back in front of the board to get approval. The city issued him a citation. He said he wasn’t intentionally snubbing the board, and he thought the neighbors would be happier with a wooden version. He felt it was more in keeping with the historic character than the approved metal one, so he just went ahead with it. The neighbors were not “happier,” in fact they were downright peeved.

Peebles realizing his mistake, said, “bless my soul, I made the wrong decision.”

Anyway, his attorney Doug Anderson arguing on he and his soul’s behalf said the wooden balcony would have been approved if he had gone in front of the board, so he urged the council not to make him tear the balcony down and rebuild it, which he estimated would cost him between $35,000-$50,000.

City attorney Florence Kessler said, “this is about a balcony but it’s not about a balcony.” She told the council in order to “stand by the integrity of the process” they needed to uphold the ARB’s decision. She said they would work with Peebles on this, but he didn’t follow procedure and that was the issue, not the balcony.

Councilwomen Hudson and Gregory both acknowledged their concerns for the sanctity of the process but also encouraged the board to work with this developer and others to create a development-friendly environment.

Councilman Johnson praised Peebles for making the property look a million times better (which he absolutely did) and echoed Hudson and Gregory’s sentiments, but, as always, his echo consisted of many syllables and words ending in -tion. It sounded something like this, “I feel, after some rumination, to prevent the degradation of the culmination of the renovation of the preservation we should uphold the citation as it pertains to the relation of this situation.”

Councilman William Carroll, who represents the district, made it very loud and clear (heavy on the loud, as usual) early on he was not going to ask his fellow councilors to overturn the board’s decision. He also stressed the rules of living in a historic neighborhood. When questioning Peebles, who lives in a historic district himself, he asked how he would feel if his neighbors painted purple polka dots all over the house next door to him.

Peebles said, “I’m a right wing, Republican property owner, so I wouldn’t have much to say about that.”

Carroll dismissed that comment and screamed some more about the sanctity of the process. It was clear to everyone the Church Street East folks were going to win this one – well clear to everyone except the delegation of lawyers and rich peeps supporting the CSE cause, who for the most part owned property in Church Street East or other historic districts.

Now let me say this, Councilman Carroll, the ARB and CSE residents are absolutely right. If the board arbitrarily enforced the rules property owners have to abide by it would destroy the character of the neighborhood one improper fence, balcony and paint color at a time. I live in a historic district; it’s a choice: I drink the historic neighborhood sanctity Kool-aid.

The first couple of speakers and CSE president Marie Dyson perfectly and eloquently stated their case. So it should have stopped there. But alas, it did not. The aforementioned delegation gave a plethroa of very long speeches on rules and choices and neighborhood charm (which again, I agree with), but it all had already been said over and over again. They really weren’t adding anything to the case. And again, it became very clear, very early on this was a battle they were going to win.

By the last one, who was talking about tending his historic rose garden or something, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to stand up and scream, “you have won, please stop!” or if I should just try to perforate my eardrums with my pen. But maybe I’ve just been covering council too long.

Anyway, thankfully, I did not choose the latter option because after the council upheld the ARB’s decision, making the residents all very happy, the next hour took a very unexpected and exciting turn to sex, drugs and bowel movements.

One of Councilman Johnson’s District Three residents addressed the council about Alexander’s Grocery on Antwerp Street, which he described as “a partially condemned eyesore” that is a “nuisance and detriment to the neighborhood.”

He said there are schools nearby and this store contributes to “delinquency and truancy by selling “single cigarettes also known as blunts.”

Is that what a blunt is? I always thought that was a joint.

Anyway, he says prostitutes (AKA hos) also hang out there and drop bags with yellow powder in them (AKA crack) and engage in public urination (AKA peeing) and defecation (AKA pooping).

“It’s horrible for the kids who walk by there to see one of these women cocktailed out of her mind, defecating against the wall (of this store),” he said.

With that, I thought I really haven’t been covering council too long. I really do love this crap, also known as . . .

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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