By Ashley Toland Editor

Apparently there is a whole lot of “whacking off” going on in the city, according to one concerned citizen and serial council addresser, who I like to call Pandora.*

Pandora claimed at the June 5 meeting that someone is “whacking off” her trees to make room for power lines. It made for delightful council banter, as she was quizzed on where the “whacking off” was occurring – on the right of way, or on private property. There was also a delightful debate on what constitutes a “whack off” and what constitutes a “trim.” And I think we all know the answer to that. She said she was certain they were whacking off. I don’t think anyone considered they just may not be into trim-ming.

There was no mention on what the tree trimmers did after the alleged whacking.**

Now that we’re done with all this whacking off, we can move on to less fun but more important things like boarding houses, Benny G and booze.

Code Breakers

At a press conference on June 7, Mayor Sam Jones announced the sweep of the Henry Aaron Loop resulted in 64 violators being cited for various violations of the city’s fire, building, historic development and land use violations.

Those cited were given 10 days to get their property up to code. Of the 64 Notices of Violation given, 44 were fixed. The 20 who did not comply were written tickets and will appear in Mobile Municipal Court. If they plead guilty to the offenses before their court dates, they will face fines ranging from $232 to $406.

One property, a boarding house* on 204 N. Franklin St., was shut down completely. The owner Dharam Singh Pannu was forced to evacuate all of his apartments. The ticket said the property was “unsafe” and did “not meet fire or life safety” codes. Pannu will now have to hire an architect or life safety engineer to submit plans to Urban Development and the fire department to get the building up to code. No one will be allowed to enter the premises until the codes are met and it has passed an inspection by all of the code officials, according to the Mobile Fire Department Bureau of Fire Prevention. Three other boarding houses owned by Pannu were closed on South Broad in May for similar issues, according to city officials.

They have said publicly they aren’t targeting boarding houses.*

The next area to be “sweeped” will be around St. Stephens Road from Springhill Avenue to Craft Highway.

Honeymoon in Vegas?

Several people have asked me where Confederate veterinarian Ben Gorge and I went on our honeymoon.**

I’m sorry I didn’t include that in my last column. I just thought it was obvious. We, of course, toured all of the famous Civil War* battlegrounds. We got a room with a hot tub in Gettysburg.

Raising the Bar on Bars

Council attorney Jim “J-Ro” Rossler said last Tuesday they worked with the state senate to amend a bill to give them more discretion on the granting of liquor licenses. They will now be able to consider proximity to churches and schools, traffic concerns and “pretty much anything else we want to,” said Rossler.

Council president Copeland said he hoped this would allow them to more effectively deal with bars in their districts that are trouble spots. He named Solomon’s (Old Shell and University) and Hammerhead’s (on Airport Boulevard) specifically.

Asterisks explained

*Because she bought a box full of props a few years back and called it her Pandora’s box. I think it had bullets in it. She also once asked council president Reggie Copeland to put his hand in a cup of water. I can’t really remember why exactly.

• They probably just go to sleep.

• I didn’t know boarding houses still existed. Is “boarding house” just code for something else?

**I wonder if anyone whacked off at those properties. I mean their trees, of course.

• Insert bullsh*t cough.

• I, of course, did not marry Ben George. They are referring to a column I wrote a few issues ago about having a nightmare about marrying the Confederate veterinarian.

• I mean the War of Northern Aggression. Sorry, honey.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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