By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

Whew! What a Father’s Day weekend, we really blew it out this year. I’m not quite sure how I’ll recover from the cards or getting to grill food or the…or the…did I mention grilled food? Even though I’m only a couple years into being a player in this Father’s Day game, I’m ready to call it all off. (Not the being a father thing, but the holiday.) Now is the time to haul this Hallmark Holiday off behind the barn and put it out of its misery for mercy’s sake. As a celebration, Father’s Day just doesn’t make the cut.

Let’s just check the numbers on the two parental holidays; last year the average amount spent for mom by U.S. consumers was $141, in comparison Father’s Day gift spending for the same year came strutting on in at just under 16 bucks. To make matters worse I think the sons and daughters of America are getting ripped off for what they get for their $16 gift budget.

All purchases for Dad probably start with the prerequisite card, which comes from a collection of the dumbest and most stereotypical allotment of ghost-written greetings in all of colored envelope land. Sons and daughters basically have three choices in Father’s Day cards.

First is the “Here is a free pass for the remote control certificate” card, what a piece of crap this is! In just one little card you’re saying so much, like “hey Dad you are a lazy couch potato and the most important thing in your life is television and I have no respect for the fact you paid for the television I’m giving you the one day pass to use.” Dads who receive this card should force-feed it to the child that gave it to them.

Second is a cartoon baseball and glove emblazoned card with the message “thanks for taking the time to be my dad.” Reading this, your Dad is probably thinking how he wasted all that time playing catch with you and you still turned out to be a ne’r do well.

Then there is the keystone of the stupid card trifecta, the fishin’ or golf card. What this says to your Dad is I don’t really pay that much attention to what you do or what you like but I know that you’ve gone fishing/golfing a couple times in your life so here is a campy themed card with an ol’ fishing hat covered with trout flies, even though the closest place to catch a fresh water trout is eight hours away from Mobile, and it truly expresses that I have no idea who you really are.

Those charming sentiments are brought to you by the unmotivated third string team that is in charge of Father’s Day greeting cards. I think the card companies take the writers that can’t make the cut in the most important cards, like Mother’s Day, Wedding Anniversary and I’m-sorry-you-caught-me-having-sex-with-the-receptionist apology cards, and put those people in charge of cards for dear old Dad.

Back to that fishing themed card and a quick heads up to would be card buyers with fishing Dads. I’m a life-long and compelled fisherman and the last thing I’m looking for in a greeting card is a picture of an old wicker fishing creel and tin worm box laid haphazardly in a rocking chair.

Before I open the next tin can of worms let me say if the same stereotyping that goes into Father’s Day cards went into greetings for Mom there would be a whole lot of crying in mid-May and it wouldn’t be from happiness. Just think of a card for Mom with a bon-bon eating certificate attached or a card that read “I know your hobby is gossiping so here’s some news, Happy Mother’s Day and your nephew is gay!”

The next item up for bid in the lousy Father’s Day showcase is a gift. I believe more books that are never read are given as gifts on Father’s Day than at any other holiday. How many boring books on golf can you give one man? I’m keeping track since I’m guilty of giving my Dad a book with a golf club, ball or caddy on the front of it every year since I could ride my bike to the bookstore.

He probably has enough of them to start a library loaning out reading material for people trying to fight insomnia. Then there are the baseball highlight and trivia books that, even though Dad is a baseball fan, are probably further down on his reading priority list than the instructions on how to operate your Mom’s curling iron.

If any of these bad Father’s Day choices struck close to home then try to do better than a “free remote control pass” next year. Believe me, I need to tighten up my game; I was guilty of another fishing card and golf book for my Dad this year.

Of course I now feel guilty for it and that had to account for something. My plan for next year is no card or gift just a visit and an IOU for half a million dollars or so just to let Dad know that I appreciate the note he had to tote to raise me.

We should also give our Dad’s time in the next year. Throughout the year make an appointment to visit even when it isn’t a holiday or command performance event. That is unless you are a rotten child and then staying away will be a gift unto itself. Until next year Happy Father’s Day!

Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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