A columnist from the Birmingham Weekly called me on Lundi Gras to ask if it really was such a big deal for Mobilians if we moved our presidential primary to Fat Tuesday next year. I was so hung-over and brain damaged from Joe Cain Day, it took me a minute to process what he was even talking about. When I finally located the functioning cells left in my brain that house national and local politics, I gave them each an Alka Seltzer and Bloody Mary (in that order) and managed to comment,"Oh yeah. You don’t understand – this town has been practically shut down since Thursday." He asked if moving it to Saturday Feb. 2, which some lawmakers are proposing, despite both national parties’ opposition, would make much of a difference. I thought for a minute about all the parades that would be rolling during the day and about how that would be the MOT night, with everyone’s favorite dragon floats set to roll down the streets just a half hour before the polls would close and I said, "yeah, not so much." Probate Judge Don Davis,who serves as our chief election officer told Lagniappe "I don’t know what we are going to do if they move it." Despite everyone’s preoccupation with the parades and almost certainly abysmal turnout, there are numerous logistical problems as well. There are several polling places that are either within or just adjacent to the parade route. Davis says if we had to move those to other locations, we would have to file with the justice department, a process he describes as "laborious." And of course, Government Plaza, where the votes are tabulated, is right smack dab in the middle of the festivities. Getting personnel and voting boxes there from the individual precincts on a city holiday would be nightmarish at best. Despite these obvious problems, it got me thinking of some of the other disadvantages and even a few advantages of voting in one of our most important national elections on one of our most decadent of local days. Disadvantages ߦVoting booths used as urinals/place to pass on VD; administer moonpie-shaped hickies. ߦKing Felix, who thinks he is actually royalty, gets wind of these backstabbing "candidates" trying to steal his throne and sends his knights to kill them. Unfortunately the knights are so drunk they forget which "candidates" they are supposed to kill and decide to just go to The Garage instead. The "fun French knight" inadvertently kills County Commissioner Steve Nodine by hitting him in the head with an ice chest as he is playing Golden Tee. ߦSen. Barack Obama declines to campaign in a city where a bunch of white men in hooded masks are riding around on the back of pick-up trucks. ߦHillary Clinton’s desperate attempt to get beads by showing the Misters her "somethings" provides for frightening pictures on her myspace page. Though she is arrested and pleads guilty to indecent exposure, she refuses to apologize. ߦA large group of Mobile County Republicans get so drunk they decide to vote for declared candidate Saint Michael Jesus Archangel (R-Michigan), who has said "from the time I was a little boy I knew I was God and Michael the Archangel, but I didn’t dare tell anyone, not even anyone in my family because I knew that the devil, Satan, was going to try to murder Me, and indeed he did try, four separate times." Why vote for him? Because after a few hurricanes, it seemed hilarious. ߦBay Area Democrats, drinking heavily at The Garage similarly decide to vote for declared candidate Ole Savior (D-Minnesota), an eccentric (i.e. crazy) artist and poet who wants "a nuclear-free world," and is dedicated to "ending world hunger and better education for mankind." His favorite movie is "The Terminator," and Revelations is his favorite book of the Bible. Again, it will seem funny at the time. ߦEven though we will have had electronic voting for years by then, more enlightened rednecks named Chad will go around screaming, "I got your hanging ‘Chad’ right over here," while, of course, pointing at said "Chad." Their less-informed redneck buddies will start saying, "well I guess you haven’t met ‘Hanging Dale’ or ‘Hanging Ronnie,’ yet, Chad." Advantages ߦAnna Nicole Smith is finally given a proper burial by Joe Cain’s widows in the Church Street Cemetery. Procession begins on Joe Cain and ends on Fat Tuesday, with her burial right next to Chief Slacobamorinico. This would naturally be a bigger news story than the election, so the national media would already be in place, securing our place in the spotlight. ߦMardi Gras pre-parties will double as fundraising dinners. Fat Tuesday will be known as Fat Cat Tuesday. However, when the candidates ask for the money from the dinners, the Springhill mommas will reply, "Oh no dahlin, that money is for my son’s train. Let me just write you a check. What’s the maximum? $3,500. Chump change. My son’s pantaloons alone cost that." ߦAfter seeing numerous saggy 60-year-old breasts flashed for beads, candidates decide to make plastic surgery part of their universal healthcare plans. ߦTo help his wife, President Bill Clinton volunteers to be the grand marshal of all the parades as long as he "gets to throw those cute, little panties." (Make sure to read that in your best "Slick Willy" voice.) ߦWith Florida and California also planning to move their primary dates to Feb. 5, no one will really care if we hold ours on this day. Mardi Gras may actually be the only way to get any attention, as it will give the national media a reason to broadcast live from Mobile and ridicule the stupid Alabama rednecks for holding their primary when most of the residents in the southern part of the state are inebriated. Can’t you just see NBC’s Norah O’Donnell standing in Bienville Square in her pretty green suit, maybe with a few beads around her neck, interviewing one of our finer shirtless jackass citizens, who will no doubt be screaming "Party Gras 2008" and drinking from a plastic "yard of beer" glass. She will ask him, "Did you vote today sir?" He’ll scream "Vote for what,sugar lips? Paaarrrtttyyy Graaaas! Whoo-hoooo! Am I goin’ be on TV?" Norah will hand it back over to Tim Russert saying, " I guess that answers that, Tim." Then Russert and Brian Williams will laugh and make some clever comments and maybe even ponder if our election results could be challenged because of this. (Maybe this one should be filed under disadvantage. Nahhh, we’ll keep it here. There’s no such thing as bad publicity. Just ask Brittney Spears. OK. Yeah, let’s move this one.) ߦBut the number one advantage of holding our primary on Fat Tuesday is if one of our chosen ones actually becomes president, when he or she inevitably screws up, all we have to say is, "hey don’t blame us, we were hammered."