Men of Mobile, we have been insulted!

It seems some Webzine called TotalBeauty.com has deemed us number five among the eight ugliest cities in these United States when it comes to dudes. We’re tied with those hideous slobs in Huntington, W.Va., for god’s sake!

Now I’m sure none of this is exactly news, since word of our hitting number 5 on the Uglymeter was splashed all over the TV and radio when it came out last month. But the amazing part about it was the way we took the insult lying down. I haven’t heard so much as a peep from anyone trying to defend us from this outrage.

I’m sure if someone called our women ugly, we’d be in a fighting mood. Hell, we’d probably slap the Trucknutz on our F150s and take off for Santa Monica, Cal. to give those smug jerks at TotalBeauty a piece of our minds, or to pepper their swank offices with birdshot or rocksalt. (By the way, this is NOT a recommendation that we do that. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone getting peppered or salted, or for encouraging more Trucknutz on our roadways.)

I guess the real issue here isn’t so much that a ridiculous Web site specializing in testing wrinkle creams and mustache bleaching ranked us among the ugliest without so much as even gazing upon our gnarled faces, it’s that no one — especially our women! — even came to our defense. Most folks just seemed to shrug it off pretty quickly. Too quickly, if you ask me.

According to this goofy site, which doesn’t have enough tips on body hair removal to be really useful to at least one of its newer readers, “The men of Mobile and Huntington have it all — terrible teeth, according to this worst-teeth cities list, a high rate of unhealthy, inactive and obese men and a paltry number of gyms.” So that’s it? They relied on another bogus “list” of worst teeth — also put together from supposition — and nailed us for not working out enough. On the first charge, most of us seem to have pretty normal teeth. Granted they’re not those giant, chock-a-block veneers most people in California like, but some might say beaver teeth aren’t really attractive.

And as far as the lack of working out, don’t they realize how many really good happy hours we have around here? Priorities, TotalBeauty. It doesn’t matter how beautiful you are, if you’re always pumping iron, how are you going to meet intoxicated women who might overlook your bad teeth and pendulous gut?

Looking at the list, I thought maybe the reason our ladies didn’t step up to our defense is that they were just happy not to be married to some Elephant Man from El Paso, Texas (the ugliest city, with a bullet), or some hideous beast from Miami. After all, there really seems to be no rhyme or reason for the list. I thought maybe it was just assembled by the bitter hens at TotalBeauty.com who got together and picked cities where old boyfriends who dumped them lived. Just a theory.

But just to be sure, I started asking some of the women I know to give me their honest opinions about the Men of Mobile. I gotta tell you fellas, THAT was ugly.

“All you guys are so fat,” one lady said acidly. “So many guys just have giant stomachs and no butts.” Ah, they are referring to what I’ve dubbed “Body By Mobile.” The BBM is generally denoted by the aforementioned pendulous (hanging) gut, usually restrained by a mightily struggling belt and a tight knit shirt. Often this is accompanied by a flattened or seemingly missing-in-action rear end.

OK, there might be a point there. We dudes could probably lose a few pounds, but you have to admit we have some pretty good food in these parts, and it generally involves lots of sauces, butter, cheese and bread. And that’s just at McDonald’s! Don’t get me started on Taco Bell!

“All you guys dress the same. You wear beat-up khakis, knit Polo shirts and have those stupid rubber things that hang their sunglasses around their necks,” another angry young lady told me while I shamefully looked down at my own tattered khakis.

Alright, maybe we’re not snazzy dressers, but it’s so hot and humid down here. Wearing a suit is torture. Those seemed to be the major complaints, although a couple mentioned that we’re short, which is something we can’t really do much about.

Needless to say, after my informal survey, I was feeling pretty ugly and contemplating a move to El Paso so I could be envied for my good looks. Feeling beaten by the TotalBeauty gang, I decided to check out the hot chicks who had so clearly seen our ugliness from 2,000 miles away and rubbed it in our ugly faces. What I found was a surprise.

It seems the publisher of TotalBeauty.com isn’t a blazing hot babe or even an ageless cougar who has staved off the years with carefully applied cucumber slices, lotions and seamless surgeries. No, it’s a pudgy, goofy-looking dude.

Yeah, it’s some guy named Emrah Kovacoglu who would look completely at home chowing down on a burger at the end of any Mobile bar. And in his photo he’s not smiling, so he might even have a few rotten teeth and would be more at home at Walmart.

He is wearing a suit, but it looks pretty tight on his chubby body, and if I was guessing (and why not, TotalBeauty does) he looks pretty short. Nobody’s mistaking this guy for Ben Affleck. So it seems even the head honcho for TotalBeauty.com is an ugly guy.

I guess the bottom line is beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and if our ladies are still beholding us, we’re OK. So let’s loosen our belts fellas and belly up to the all-you-can-eat Chinese super buffet, and be glad we’re not one of those hopeless losers from El Paso.