“Why do people kill people?” my 5-year-old daughter asked with a trembling lip. It was the first time anyone she knew had ever died, and she’d yet to even lose a pet. I had hoped I still had a few years before I had to answer this question that really has no satisfying answer, even to an adult.

On a beautiful summer afternoon last June, the sounds of my children’s laughter as they played in our yard were silenced as the first shot echoed through our quiet street. Seconds later, their father was locking them in their bedroom as I tried to steady my shaking hands enough to dial 911. I listened helplessly as the pretty woman running down our street desperately screamed for help and her frantic parents begged for her life. When the shots finally stopped, 37-year-old Claire Alger-Young lay dead in the yard across the street, and her wounded ex-husband staggered and fell near my lawn…

It knows no barriers

Fifteen hundred women are killed in the U.S each year by a male partner.

Domestic violence occurs when one partner in an intimate relationship uses physical violence or threats of violence to establish and maintain control over the other. Abusers also use fear, guilt, shame and intimidation to wear down and then dominate their victims. It results in severe psychological trauma, physical injury, and even death. The victims are robbed of their self-worth, the freedom to make their own choices, and in some cases, their lives.

Domestic violence is the single greatest cause of injury to women in the U.S., with an incidence occurring every 18 seconds. Domestic-related cases take up to 60 percent of law enforcement’s time in Mobile County, and they are frequently among the most potentially dangerous calls officers face.

It is an epidemic which knows no barriers. It occurs across all age ranges and ethnic and religious backgrounds. It happens to people in poverty and people of wealth and affluence. It is a dirty secret that hides in even the nicest neighborhoods in town, and maybe even yours.

The smallest victims

Over 3 million children in the U.S. are growing up witnessing violence in their homes. It occurs openly in some families, with frightened children watching from a corner or listening from another room, but many parents attempt to hide it. Nevertheless, multiple studies show that up to 90 percent of children are aware when violence is occurring in their home.

Nikki, 30, tells of her ordeal:

“We never talked about it. Sometimes I think Mom actually thought I didn’t know. Early on, she’d tell us that she’d had an accident. There was always a story for the bruises. I even learned to know when it was coming. He’d be tense for weeks. You could feel it in the air when it was going to be one of those nights. I’d lie in bed with headphones — Guns N’ Roses, loud as it could go — and wait for it to stop. I could sleep once I heard the front door slam and Mom crying in her room. That always meant it was over, and it meant she was OK.”

For these children, OK is a concept that often means simple survival. Children who witness violence against a parent are traumatized to the nearly the same level as those who are actually hit themselves. It destroys their ability to feel secure, and leads to a wide array of emotional, psychological and behavioral problems, and even developmental delays.

They are also instinctively aware of the enormous burden of their responsibility to help hide the family secret. “You don’t know if it happens in other families or not,” Nikki says. “You just know that you’re not supposed to talk about it. And he was still my dad. The bitch of it is, he was a good dad. Does that sound crazy?”

Children who grow up watching a parent be abused are significantly more likely to become victims of abuse or become abusers themselves, trapping the family in a nightmarish cycle that often spans generations.

In up to half the homes where a mother is abused, the children are also victims of physical abuse. The child abuse may occur in separate incidents or may be related to the primary abuse. Boys, in particular, are frequently injured when trying to intervene to protect their mothers.

Frank, 37, recalls the last time he saw his step-father. “I used to hide under my bed like a little girl. I was 12 when I decided it was over. I was going to kill him that night — with my bare hands. That was the plan anyway.”

Frank confronted his step-father as he was assaulting his mother, and found the older, stronger man’s fists turned against him. He was severely beaten and suffered a concussion and fractured bones. His step-father was later arrested and convicted of the assaults. They never saw him again.

“I figure he probably could have killed me,” he says. “It would have been worth it too, if it could have stopped him. I listened to that piece of shit hit my mama for four years. It just got to the point where it was gonna be him or me.”

Why do they stay?

According to Tonie Ann Torans, director of Penelope House in Mobile, this is the most common question asked about domestic abuse. However, she believes that it takes the focus off the main issue.

“It puts the blame back on the victim. The real question should be, ‘Why does the abuser hurt people?’ Nobody actually wants to be abused,” Torans said.

Abuse is never the victim’s fault. They stay for a wide variety of reasons including:

Fear: Many are simply too afraid to leave. They fear that their abuser will continue to pursue them and carry out threats to kill them, harm their children or even kill himself. They worry their abuser will kidnap their children or manipulate the legal system to gain custody of their children. They also worry they will not be able to follow through with ending the relationship and will be severely punished for trying to leave.

Victims are significantly more likely to be killed while leaving and shortly after leaving an abusive relationship. Despite the risk, there are resources available to help victims make the process as safe as possible. Abuse generally continues to escalate during the course of a relationship and does not get better. Leaving is often the only chance for a healthy and normal life.

Isolation: By the time an abusive relationship becomes physically violent, many victims lack a strong social support system. Abusers are experts at control and manipulation and will often attempt to isolate their victims and sever her connections with loved ones. They are particularly wary of friends and family that disapprove of them and may discourage or even forbid those relationships. By the time the victim realizes that she’s really in trouble, she may feel like she has no one left that she trusts.

Financial: Many victims are completely financially dependent on their abusers and don’t know how to survive on their own. They often worry about the potential changes to their children’s standard of living.
Emotional Dependency: Abuse involves a complicated process of systematically breaking down the victim’s self-esteem. They are often emotionally dependent on the abuser and trained to believe that no one else will ever love them. They also feel love for their abusers and don’t want the good parts of the relationship to end. Many abusers are tremendously charming and loving between episodes of violence, and some victims even report being happy “much of the time.” They also feel compassion for their abusers. They want to help them change, and often truly believe that they can.

When it’s happening to someone you know

If you fear a loved one is being abused, be alert to warning signs such as significant changes in behavior, unexplained absences from work or other commitments, and bruises or injuries with explanations that don’t make sense. You might also notice that their partner seems unusually jealous or controlling.

The presence of these common signs is not proof of abuse, but if you feel that something isn’t right, don’t attempt to “mind your own business.” Domestic violence is not just a personal family problem. It is a crime. Don’t hesitate to call the police if you actually witness an act of violence.

Otherwise, speak to your friend in private and express concern for her safety. Let her know the reasons you are worried and offer to listen without passing judgment on her. Victims need to hear they don’t deserve to be hurt and that someone will be there for them unconditionally, even if they’re not ready to end the relationship.

Many people feel the need to pressure the victim to leave the relationship or offer ultimatums such as, “I can’t be there for you if you’re going to keep letting this happen.” This type of well-intentioned behavior often results in further isolating the victim, and she may begin to avoid talking about the problem.

Ultimately, victims of abuse have to make their own decision. Be patient. The average victim leaves the relationship 6-8 times before she ends it for good. If you continue to offer support and encouragement, regardless of your frustration, you greatly increase the chances that she’ll turn to you when she’s ready.

In the meantime, direct her to resources in the community that can help her. Penelope House in Mobile offers a safe emergency shelter for battered women, as well as a variety of other services including counseling, legal assistance, and special outreach services to help victims regain control of their lives. You can reach Penelope House 24 hours a day at 251-342-8994.

…

With their divorce finalized, Claire Alger Young had come to remove the last of her things from the home they had shared, and was anxious to start her new life. After telling friends and coworkers she was afraid he would kill her, she brought two male coworkers and her parents along to help with the move.

According to multiple eyewitnesses, Bryan Young came from the house and began shooting at Claire’s companions, who were able to escape. He then chased Claire down the street firing shots at her. After hitting her several times in the back, he turned the gun on himself, inflicting a serious wound to his chest. Bryan was transferred by helicopter to a local hospital where he was treated and then arrested. He has been charged with Claire’s murder, as well as three counts of attempted murder.

We hardly knew the young couple with the Auburn flag on the front of their house, but our lives have changed as well.

The flag is gone now and the pink house sits empty, reminding our friendly neighborhood of the tragedy that occurred there. Some of our neighbors have moved. These days, my daughter hates fireworks because they remind her of gunshots. When I take my walks, I try not to look at the yard across the street and a little to the left, afraid that all I’ll see is an image of my neighbor’s lifeless body. Most times, I just walk the other way.

Through my years practicing family law, I’ve come to understand well the harsh realities of domestic violence, but I never imagined the reality would hit so close to home.

Jennifer McDonald is a family law attorney and Lagniappe columnist, who lives in Mobile.