Port City Premonitions

Aquarius gets off easy

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll receive an unwelcome advance from a friend confused by your signals. To avoid the awkwardness, you’ll simply send more confusing signals. When the tension reaches a climax, you’ll just mumble and...

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Gemini composes some public shame

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll stay in on Friday the 13th to avoid being slaughtered by a hockey mask-wearing serial killer with a machete. You’ll watch the “Scream” series of movies instead, which are so poorly acted you’ll...

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Pisces is somewhere in the Vaseline

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — In a statement about how bad marathons are for your body, you’ll protest by walking the entire First Light Marathon.When you cross the finish line 97 days from now, you’ll be confused with a really slow...

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Gemini nearly kills a celebrity

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll feel the rush of plunging into the Gulf of Mexico during the New Year’s Day Polar Bear Plunge at the Flora-Bama. Your New Year’s resolution is finding a cure for frostbite on your nether regions....

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Santa steals from Sagittarius

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll be perplexed to discover Santa rejects the cookies and milk you left out Christmas Eve. But you’ll note that between the hours of 1 and 6 a.m., a Callaghan’s gift card and a handful of mini...

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Aquarius learns where babies are made

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll be double-dog dared to lick a flagpole when the temperature falls below freezing. Your tongue won’t get stuck, but you will notice the subtle taste of coal dust and urine. Capricorn...

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Grandma exorcises Taurus

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Things get awkward when you arrive at a Christmas party wearing the same humorous sweater as another guest. Apparently an image of Trump and the phrase “Feliz Navidad Señor Presidente” is the easy...

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Leo deconstructs an eyesore

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — It’ll feel like an early Christmas when all those packages you ordered on Cyber Monday begin to arrive. But once you take full stock of all your impulse purchasing, you’ll regrettably participate in...

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Capricorn goes native

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll stow away on the Carnival Fantasy for a free trip to Mexico. You’ll return weeks later comfortably packed inside an imported shipping container, part of a voyage that will never be memorialized...

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Don’t tread on aries

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A new bakery in your neighborhood threatens to reverse all your progress on weight loss goals. In an effort to enjoy both daily eclairs and those smaller-sized pants you just bought, you’ll simply...

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