Port City Premonitions

Cancer constructs the eighth wonder

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll move “ye booty” down to GulfQuest for the pirate exhibit to show everyone you’re not a “scallywag.” You’ll find it interesting “thar,” and leave feeling like a Buccaneer. You’ll tell everyone what a...

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Scorpio crosses the aisle

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll go a little “cavalier” at the first Mardi Gras parade in Mobile by hijacking a horse and stealing the sword from the statue of Raphael Semmes. Once you’re outmanned and cornered by a Segway tour...

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Scorpio’s close encounter

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Inspired by the Venardos Circus at the Alabama Contemporary Art Center, you’ll abandon your life to become a carny. But few will be interested in your limited talents, especially your double-jointed thumb...

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Virgo’s business plan nose-dives

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll host your own Senior Bowl this week when you recruit two teams of septuagenarians for an epic game of full-contact pigskin. But the game will be forfeited when a quarterback throws his back out and...

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Aquarius gets off easy

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll receive an unwelcome advance from a friend confused by your signals. To avoid the awkwardness, you’ll simply send more confusing signals. When the tension reaches a climax, you’ll just mumble and...

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Gemini composes some public shame

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll stay in on Friday the 13th to avoid being slaughtered by a hockey mask-wearing serial killer with a machete. You’ll watch the “Scream” series of movies instead, which are so poorly acted you’ll...

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Pisces is somewhere in the Vaseline

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — In a statement about how bad marathons are for your body, you’ll protest by walking the entire First Light Marathon.When you cross the finish line 97 days from now, you’ll be confused with a really slow...

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Gemini nearly kills a celebrity

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll feel the rush of plunging into the Gulf of Mexico during the New Year’s Day Polar Bear Plunge at the Flora-Bama. Your New Year’s resolution is finding a cure for frostbite on your nether regions....

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Santa steals from Sagittarius

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll be perplexed to discover Santa rejects the cookies and milk you left out Christmas Eve. But you’ll note that between the hours of 1 and 6 a.m., a Callaghan’s gift card and a handful of mini...

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Aquarius learns where babies are made

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll be double-dog dared to lick a flagpole when the temperature falls below freezing. Your tongue won’t get stuck, but you will notice the subtle taste of coal dust and urine. Capricorn...

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