Kudzu Queen

Feb 12 2008 – I generally don’t get upset when slurs are directed at me.

Jan 28 2008 – My mother has been my mother all of my life. It’s a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.

Jan 15 2008 – The Beginning: One rainy afternoon in late December, the sun briefly broke out of the clouds, and I had an epiphany.

Jan 01 2008 – Chaos Theory says something like a butterfly flapping its wings over the Pacific Ocean can set in motion a chain of events which leads to Atlantic Coast hurricanes, famine in Bangladesh, or Britney Spears shaving her head and beating a photographer’s car with her umbrella.

Dec 18 2007 – I needed something to do one summer, so I decided I’d demolish the hulking garage, which loomed like a rotting, redneck Leaning Tower of Pisa in my backyard.

Dec 04 2007 – The Big Book, which is the veritable Bible of the alcoholism recovery set, compares practicing alcoholics to tornadoes.

Nov 20 2007 – Years ago, I happened upon my daughter’s diary. I couldn’t resist peeking inside.

Nov 06 2007 – For a whole lot of years, it was just me and my daughter and our pets.

Oct 23 2007 – I don’t know if chaos junkies are born or made, I only know that as far back as I can remember, I qualified.

Oct 09 2007 – If you’ve ever had the misfortune to watch a loved one slowly waste away from a terminal disease, you’ve probably got a Living Will for yourself.

Sep 25 2007 – I popped into the convenience store around the corner and evidently, I had just missed some major excitement.

Sep 11 2007 – Conventional wisdom says the only demographic left to make fun of without running afoul of the P.C.

Aug 28 2007 – Lizards fascinate me. They hypnotize me with their mystery.

Aug 14 2007 – What if you were a planet, and the star you orbited around suddenly went POOF!

Jul 31 2007 – I was watching another newscast about the interminable war in Iraq.

Jul 17 2007 – My daughter is up north for the summer and I was relaying the Alabama sit rep (situation report) to her over the phone.

Jul 03 2007 – What I really need, I decided, is a time machine. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

Jun 19 2007 – She hadn’t wanted any of us, but somehow we appeared.

Jun 05 2007 – Some time ago, my teenage daughter blithely tripped into the living room and turned the stereo down.

May 22 2007 – It seems I write an awful lot about darkness, immorality and decadence.

May 08 2007 – The diagnostics were bad. He needed major surgery. He wouldn’t be able to do normal stuff for a while.

Apr 25 2007 – As a long-time first grade teacher, I am used to breaking complex and not-so-complex concepts down into the simplest possible terms.

Apr 10 2007 – My daughter and her friends have begun venturing out beyond babysitting, odd jobs, and yard work into the "Real World" of work.

Mar 28 2007 – I had this big tooth drama recently, and it has caused me to question my perception of reality.

Mar 13 2007 – When my eighth friend went off to rehab, I seethed.

Feb 27 2007 – I’d read about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ famous stages of grief, but I never actually had the chance to experience them.

Feb 13 2007 – I went to buy some cold pills the other day, and discovered that this formerly simple task has become more complicated.

Jan 30 2007 – A friend once observed that I possess all the right training, painted over all the wrong instincts.

Jan 16 2007 – It’s not that I can’t follow rules, because I can. It’s just that me and society don’t always see eye-to-eye about which particular rules are important.

Jan 02 2007 – The next person that tells about their alien abduction ordeal is going to get slapped, I swear to Chewbacca.

Dec 19 2006 – It is Goo the iguana’s second mating season. The bad thing about this is that Goo is much bigger than he was this time last year.

Dec 05 2006 – This old grungy philosophical dude I know has a saying: "While you’re busy watching out for the elephants, it’s the piss ants that’ll get you." I had always interpreted this adage to mean that the old boy smoked way more than his daily nutritional requirement of weed.

Nov 21 2006 – When the drugs and alcohol quit working, a person is in truly dire straits.

Nov 08 2006 – In the wake of the recent spate of school shootings, a Wisconsin state representative named Frank Lasee has suggested arming teachers.

Oct 25 2006 – I’m sure the surgeon general, MADD and all those other Just Say Noers mean well, but their delivery lacks punch.

Oct 10 2006 – By the time one reaches middle age, a look in life’s rearview mirror all too often reveals a landscape littered with broken and withered dreams.

Sep 27 2006 – Sergei (not his real name. His real name is David.) invited me to come downtown early Saturday morning to watch the RSA tower spire installation.

Sep 13 2006 – As soon as the man pulled out of my driveway, Goo the iguana fixed his beady obsidian eyes on me and announced, "We need to talk." Geez Louise, do I ever hate it when Goo says that.

Aug 29 2006 – It’s not like I can’t get into enough trouble all by myself.

Aug 16 2006 – Alphonse has been keeping track of the teacher shortage situation in Mobile, and doing nervous calculations.

Aug 01 2006 – Usually I can’t decide what makes my ass more tired, the War on Drugs or the war in Iraq.

Jul 19 2006 – In 6th century India, some great mind or minds invented chess, and the world instantly became a much better place.

Jul 05 2006 – The leash war is over, and Goo the iguana has won. This is why I spent most of a recent Saturday peering up at the canopy of the pear tree.

Jun 21 2006 – Sometimes you just know, deep in the core of your soul, what you need to make your life complete.

Jun 06 2006 – My first-grade students and I have an ongoing debate about who has it better, kids or adults.

May 23 2006 – "Why do they call you Redbug?" I asked the dude in the bar.

May 09 2006 – Since beginning this strange trip called Recovery, I’ve picked up a constant companion.

Apr 26 2006 – While my cohorts were fantasizing about dropping acid with The Grateful Dead or being gang-banged by all the members of Aerosmith, I was waxing rhapsodic about Mike Royko, the Chicago-based newspaper columnist.

Apr 11 2006 – My friend Patty started showing up at recovery fellowship meetings looking unusually exhilarated.

Mar 29 2006 – A couple of years ago, some twisted individual dumped a litter of fuzzy puppies in the yard of the abandoned house next door.

Mar 14 2006 – I am not a high-maintenance broad. I am perfectly content to go to the airport.

Mar 01 2006 – I had these two male friends, whom we’ll call Scum and Scummier.

Feb 14 2006 – I am a very important person. I have evidence to substantiate this delusion, I mean, idea.

Jan 31 2006 – By Tamara Ducote Lagniappe columnist I’m a single parent.

Jan 18 2006 – I’m thinking of taking the brass numbers off the front of the house and replacing them with a sign that says “Love Shack.- Or maybe I’ll call Hollywood and see if anybody is interested in buying a new series called "Sex and The City of Chickasaw." It would be filmed on location, here in my house.

Jan 04 2006 – We left the house pre-dawn, my daughter and me, the Blazer stuffed with her luggage for a two-week sojourn to Ohio.

Dec 07 2005 – Last winter, rats invaded my house. These weren’t the sleek, polite lab rats I feed to my snakes – these were Sasquatch-rodent hybrids, to judge from appearances.