Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — In a statement about how bad marathons are for your body, you’ll protest by walking the entire First Light Marathon.When you cross the finish line 97 days from now, you’ll be confused with a really slow Forrest Gump.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Now that you’ve abandoned your New Year’s fitness goals barely one week in, you’ll relax on the patio with a few high-gravity beers. You’ll jeer at the joggers passing by your house.

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